Eric

I’ve been doing some organizing lately and on Sunday night I came across a box full of old love letters.  Okay, not all of them were “love letters” some were letters from guys but others were from family, but I love my fam, so technically they’re all love letters.  One particular letter caught my interest.  The envelope had only my first name on the outside so it must have been left somewhere for me.  Inside is two pages of loose-leaf paper with the following words: 

I haven’t written to anyone all semester, so I’m a little out of practice.  It’s about 4:30 in the morning and I figured I probably shouldn’t call, so I decided to write.  (In case your wondering I am completely SOBER.)  I hope you got my message today because I seriously do want to talk to you.  I don’t know exactly how to put this, but I’ll try my best.  (I’m usually a lot easier talking to someone than writing to someone.)  I just want to let you know how I feel about you.  I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about you.  Maybe it’s your sweet smile or maybe it’s your sense of humor.  I wish I knew.  I wish that you were here right now so I could tell you this face to face.  There is just something special about you that I’m attracted to.  If your laughing right now please stop.  (I know this sounds stupid.)  I know that we agreed to slow down and just be friends for now but lately I’m beginning to think you don’t even want that.  It seems like every day your brushing me off.  I know your busy with lots of things and I understand that, it’s just I feel like you don’t give a shit whether or not you see me at all.  I just want you to be honest with me.  If you don’t want to be around me, do us both a favor and just let me know.  I f you do care about me, just give me a chance I promise I won’t let you down.  I realize that you have been in bad relationships in the past, but you’ll never know what it would be like with me until you give it a try.  I don’t want to rush you in to anything, I just want you to keep an open mind.  I want to know if you care or not.  I want to put everything behind us and start over again.  I realize that we got off to a bad start, and I take some of the blame for that.  You told me once that you wanted to get to know me, it’s a little difficult when you don’t want to ever talk to me or go out.  I really care about you and I don’t want to just walk away mad.  You mean way too much to me for me to just drop everything and stop talking to you.  I realize that you are very independent, but everyone needs someone to talk to.  Just give me a chance.  Please call me.

Sincerely, Eric

*Please try to free your calendar for next Friday from 3:00 on.  I made plans and I really want you to join me. 

 

I found this on Sunday and it’s been on my mind for the last two days and I just can’t figure it out…  Who’s Eric? 

Seriously, I know I am an asshole, but who the hell is Eric?  I don’t remember dating an Eric.  It was fifteen years ago and I was 20, maybe 21 years old.  It was a long time ago.  I wonder whatever happened to Eric.  I wonder a lot of things about Eric… like for example, what his last name is. 

I make light of this, but I do feel something when I read this letter.  It’s so full of the raw emotion of a 20-year old.  These are the words of someone who knows he should quit thinking about someone, but he can’t help himself, he’s going to go for it anyway and give it a shot.  Who among us can’t relate to that?  It’s happened to us all.  Even when we know better, we just convince ourselves that we haven’t found the right approach, or the right words to say… there’s something that keeps us going against our better judgement.  Only to be shot down by someone who can’t even remember our name fifteen years later. 

Along with Eric’s letter, there were several letters from Andrew.  I met Andrew when he was in the Army, home on leave.  Over several years time, we spent no more than five days together and lived hundreds of miles away from one another the whole time.  I thought about him all the time and I had a great time with him, but it was all pretty innocent.  We “slept together” one time, but I was the only one who slept.  He was home for Christmas and we were on the couch in my apartment watching a movie.  I fell asleep on his lap.  He wasn’t tired but he said I looked so comfortable he didn’t want to wake me up.  But he was bored.  He was trapped on my couch with nothing but the remote control, some gift wrap, and a scotch tape dispenser within his reach.  So, like any normal person, he took the tape and covered me in it while I slept.  He just sat there pulling of small pieces of tape and sticking them on my clothes, my skin, a few in my hair.  I woke up confused, met with his guilty laughter ”What did you DO?!?  Why are you covered in little pieces of tape?!?” I still remember his smile as he giggled about his mischief.  He was adorable.  Completely innocent, really ridiculous, fun, charming.  That was Andrew.  I adored him. 

At some point, Andrew suddenly stopped responding to my letters.  I know that he’s married now and has kids.  I can only conclude that he met someone nearer to where he was stationed and cut me out of his life very unceremoniously.  Or, perhaps he found out about Eric – whoever that is – and decided to move on with someone else.  Even after he cut me out, we ran into each other unexpectedly a couple of times and still had fun and made each other laugh like the old days.  We were both seeing someone else at that point, but we got along so well that I was sure it was “meant to be.”  For the longest time, I was sure that Andrew and I would somehow end up back together again.  He will always have a special place in my heart, but I’ve accepted that it is not destiny after all, just great chemistry and a couple of wild coincidences. 

Maybe I am Andrew’s Eric.  Perhaps someday he’ll find a fifteen year old letter from me and rack his brain trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Nonetheless, he’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

If you have stuck with the story this long, I thank you for taking the time to read through a lot of random, personal information just to make one very important point:  No matter how you feel about someone, or how you see yourself with them, or how much you’re willing to put yourself out there to get their attention – the way you feel today is not the way you will always feel.  It probably won’t even take you fifteen years, but over time, you’ll eventually look back at things very differently than you do when you’re in the heat of the moment. 

Love makes people impulsive, makes us throw caution to the wind, it makes us feel alive.  It’s a wonderful thing.  But sometimes it breaks us.  For everyone who has ever been broken… who has had the guts to write a letter like Eric’s, only to get shot down and ultimately forgotten about; always remember:  Things look differently in the heat of the moment.  In the long run, things change, feelings change, and memories fade.  It’s okay to be hung up on someone for a while and you don’t have to forget about them, but the key to being happy when you’re single is to stop indulging in those impulses that keep you coming back to the wrong person.  And sometimes you have to accept that destiny is not what you thought it was going to be.