Welcome to my world

This blog was conceived out of frustration.  I have three girlfriends right now who are all going through different stages of a breakup.  None of their relationships have been more than a few months, so we aren’t talking about earth-shattering, heart-breaking, estate-dividing separations here.  They are dealing with the every day, run-of-the-mill, annoying acceptance that you’ve just spent a whole lot of time with someone who is very very not right for you.

And it’s back to the drawing board.

These women don’t even know one another, but their situations are remarkably similar.  They may not realize it yet, but this isn’t about the guy in their life as much as it is about the dread of having to go back to being single.  You would think it was the end of the world.  It’s unbelievable how tightly someone will hang on to a dysfunctional relationship, just to avoid being single. 

I try not to take offense, but single is something I do very well.  Being single and living alone are two things in life that I enjoy very much.  I rarely try to explain this to people anymore because they always give me that look of pity.  Those eyes that say, “I’m listening to you but I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  Being single is not viewed as a choice, it’s the default.  It’s the state you suddenly find yourself in when your relationship fails.  It’s the interim period between relationships.  It’s rarely ever viewed as a desirable situation. 

When I tell people I’m over 30 and single, they make assumptions.  I’ve been accused of it all – I must have commitment issues, I must have had a guy break my heart and never got over it, I’m gay, I’m selfish, and the big one - I’m just afraid. 

Actually,  I can’t deny that one.  I am afraid.  But I’m not afraid of marriage, I’m afraid of unhappy marriage.  Because I seem to be surrounded by people who are in miserable relationships and for whatever reason, they will not leave.  A healthy relationship where two people have mutual respect for one another, that does not scare me at all. 

Aren’t we all afraid?  My aforementioned friends are afraid of being alone, other friends say they are afraid of what divorce would do to their kids, others may be afraid they won’t be able to pay their bills and survive on their own.  What’s the difference between me and them?  It would appear that their fears are a socially acceptable norm, while mine is an apparent character flaw. 

Right now, I know I can be happy on my own.  I am happy on my own.  When I do end up doing something foolish and falling head over heels for a guy, I may end up in a relationship.  And if I try my best to make it work with someone and it doesn’t work out, I can admit it to myself and move on.  My romantic relationships do not define me.  I am still on very good terms with most of my ex-boyfriends because it is possible (and a truly wonderful thing) to be able to say to one another, “I think you are great, I care about you a lot, but it’s not going to work out.”  Maybe y’all will just tell me I’m fooling myself some more, but I feel like I’m in a better place with my ex-boyfriends than my friends who are sending me 1 a.m. text messages from the bar telling me how much they miss a guy. 

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a selfish, gay, straight, heartbroken commitment-phobe.  Shun me as you see fit.