First date

I put my profile on cougarlife.com a little over a month ago and I’ve corresponded with quite a few ”cubs” from the site.  Most have been a fair distance away; lots of guys from New York and New Jersey.  I’ve talked to one person who is near the DC Metro area for a couple of weeks now.  None of our conversations were terribly in-depth, but we exchanged brief messages regularly.  His profile picture was very good-looking.  Almost too good-looking.  Suspiciously good-looking!  Like – the guy who comes with the picture frame when you buy it.  The one whose picture you take out to insert your own pictures of the far-less-attractive people in your life.  It could have been that guy!  That felt like a bit of a red flag.

He was very polite, almost passive in saying he’d like to get together for a drink.  It always makes me suspicious when someone is that interested in getting together right off the bat, add that to the suspicion that he may have pulled his photo out of a picture frame.  I’ve corresponded with him for a couple of weeks & talked about getting together, but I always felt uneasy about it.  I didn’t feel any sense of threat or danger, just an eery feeling like I’m being tricked.  Like, when I show up to meet him, one of my ex-boyfriends will jump out and say, “Aha!  I thought you wouldn’t come if you knew it was me, so I put up a picture of that guy from the picture frame!”  Maybe it just seemed strange that someone that attractive signed up on the site, threw a dart and pursued a date with a girl when he doesn’t know what she looks like.  None of the pictures I have on my profile have a clear shot of my face.  Most guys would want to know what I look like and reassure themselves that I’m not hideous.  This guy didn’t even know my name!

I have to give him credit, he has been such a good sport through everything.  I tend to be distant with guys.  Not because I’m deliberately trying to be an asshole, but I am happily single and I don’t want a relationship, so I don’t want to give mixed signals when I tell them I’m not looking for anything long-term.  I like to go out and meet people and have fun.  But I want to make sure that anyone I go out with doesn’t have expectations, so I have to keep it casual.  He hinted around that he’d like to see what I look like, but he never pushed the issue.  He asked if I ever intended to tell him my name and I answered, “Not if I can get away with it.” and he just took it in stride and never asked again.  He really was a good sport and there was a lot of mystery in the whole meetup for both of us.  Of course, I eventually told him my name.  Via text message when I was two Metro stops away from meeting him. 

We met up outside Metro and walked to a bar to grab a drink, watch a game and chat.  He was an all-around good sport and it was a fun date.  I gave him due credit for standing out from so many other guys in not demanding pictures and for being so willing to go with the flow.  He said he’s met people on other dating sites before and only when he met up with them did he find out that their profile picture was taken 100 pounds ago.  I guess after a couple of experiences like that, the meetup is more important than whatever flattering picture people use to sell themselves on the internet.

It was a fun night and a successful first date, but we definitely weren’t living the cougar life.  He’s only 5 years younger than me but no one would ever guess it by seeing the two of us together.  There are a lot of guys on that site who are in their early thirties and are not necessarily looking for an older woman, they’re just tired of dating young girls.  Also, for some reason there seems to be a lot of military guys on the site.  I can’t explain why that is, but I have seen enough profiles to identify a pattern. 

For those of you who stumbled upon this blog with the question, “Is cougarlife legit?” I hope this offers you some insight.  It is a legit dating site, and I can confirm that you can meet fun people and have a good time.  I can also confirm from the guys I’ve talked to that it seems to be much easier for the women on there than for the men.  I don’t think that the guys get nearly as much attention as the ladies do on the site.  But then, it is called cougarlife, not cublife.  At any rate, it’s fun, and I recommend that if you are an attractive man, you purchase a membership and start talking to cougars a.s.a.p.!  If you are a cougar or even if you’re in your thirties and looking to meet someone within a few years of your age, get your free profile up there, ladies!  There are a whole lot of guys on there, and they are not all ridiculously young, either.  In my experience, the guys aren’t all 22-year olds who want to shag older women, most of them are guys in their late 20s, early 30s.  Some are definitely just looking for sex, others are looking for something more, but what they all seem to have in common is in trying to find someone they can have a conversation with who isn’t interested in playing games.  But “Mature, Sophisticated woman Life” doesn’t sell quite as well as “Cougar Life.”

Sorry I accidentally slept with you…

It was another boring day at work until I stepped into the breakroom and walked in on a conversation between two male coworkers.  John – who is a bit shy, super nice guy, but almost hard to talk to because he is so reserved. And Eric – who is none of those things.  Eric is a lot of fun to work with, rarely takes anything seriously, and is not reserved about anything.  So when I walk in the room, Eric says, “Hey!  We have a hypothetical question!  If a guy goes out with a girl and they sleep together, but he’s not interested in her, what should he do?”  I look over at John and he’s blushing furiously and seems really embarrassed, but also is looking intently to hear my advice.  He’s apparently been fretting about this all day. 

I know I’m going to take a lot of crap for this, but I say – don’t call her back.  Eric laughed, he told him the same thing.  But John wasn’t comfortable with it.  He said, “I feel so bad.  I shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t want to be a jerk!”  I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but I had to be the one to tell him.  “You’re already a dick, dude.  If you slept with a girl who is interested in you, and you don’t want to be involved with her in any way, it’s a little late to decide not to be a jerk.  You don’t become a jerk by how you proceed, you already did the deed.  Own it.  What else are you going to do?  Pretend you’re interested?  Lead her on?  Maybe it’ll make you feel better about it, but you’re just making it worse for her.” 

Maybe Eric and I are jerks too, but we say don’t call her back.  Sure, if she calls and demands an explanation, then you should level with her.  But maybe she’s not that into you either.  Maybe she’s having the same conversation with her friends and is trying to figure out how to get herself out of the awkward situation of having slept with John.  It happens. 

But even if she’s not full of regret and is truly hoping there is a relationship there, I have never known any woman who was comforted by the “I’m not interested in you” conversation.  Women always say that’s what they want, but frankly I don’t see the point.  Every female friend I have ever known who has had a guy tell her he wasn’t interested, was not any less crushed to hear it firsthand.  Personally, I think it’s worse than not being called back.  If a guy doesn’t call you back, you move on and forget about his sorry ass.  But if he does call you back, only to tell you that he’s not attracted to you and he’s going to take a pass on any sort of relationship with you… then you’re dealing with rejection and criticism.  And it’s never constructive criticism.  I mean sure, if you’re going to call someone and say, “You’re a nice person, but you really need to trim your nosehair or no one will ever love you” then maybe that’s something she needs to hear.  But usually when someone isn’t interested – guys or girls – it’s because they’re just not attracted.  Or maybe they are interested in someone else.  But the chances of someone calling and being honest with you about why they’re not interested is pretty slim.  They will say they are busy, or they don’t want a relationship right now, or something that makes them feel like less of a jerk.  That’s the conversation that John was searching for.  But I guarantee, if John does call her back, he’s not going to level with her and say, “I have lost respect for you because you slept with me.  Not to mention you are a bit overweight for my taste and also kind of annoying.”  That would be pretty harsh, so the other alternative is to call back and lie or sugar-coat the truth, or just not call her back. 

Ladies and gents, if the object of your affection does not call you back, turn your affections elsewhere.  Move on, enjoy life.  Don’t worry about finding someone and get to know yourself a little better.  I know that my “don’t call back” advice infuriates those people who have spent endless hours waiting by the phone, but consider that it may just be the kinder, gentler alternative to the truth.  If it is someone you are interested in but haven’t invested much time in, don’t invest yourself by getting wound up waiting for the phone call.  Occupy yourself with something else, don’t get wound up over one person, and keep your nosehair trim.  Life is too short to be waiting by the phone.  And to the Johns of the world - make an effort to not be a jerk before you act like one.  It makes it so much easier on all involved!

Can I have your number so I can not call you?

Every once in a while my girl friends will ask me for advice about guys, and I always feel bad.  Asking me for relationship advice is kind of like appointing John Bolton as U.N. Ambassador.  I can tell you all about how screwed up relationships are.  But my advice does not have the optimistic happily-ever-after-with-a-white-picket-fence tone.  I’m the one you call when you need to hear, “Get over him, move on.”

On Friday, my dear friend CC met a boy.  She’s a total sweetheart and hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time, though I think she would like to be.  I’ve seen her flirt with guys, but she’s such a good girl.  When we go out, we’re usually with a group of girls, some of whom must always be the center of attention.  I’ve never known CC to leave with a guy.  I rarely see the others leave without one.  Or at least a phone number or two.

On Friday the others left early so it was just her and I.  Then this boy showed up and they hit it off.  I have little recollection of most of the night, but I do know that they went home together.  When I talked to her the next day she said they played around, but nothing “below the belt.”  She said it was a good night and they went out for breakfast the next morning.  There was an exchange of text messages in the afternoon and then… nothing.

CC started with the questions on Tuesday.  She wanted to know if she should call him, if she should wait for him to call her… if she should wait and then get tired of waiting and then call him.  What would be an appropriate length of time for any of this waiting… all I could think was – I am such a bad person to ask.

I have a pretty high turnaround on giving and receiving phone numbers, but I have a strange form of Attention Deficit Disorder when it comes to meeting guys.  If he doesn’t call me within a day or two, I kinda’ forget who I gave my number to.  The more I considered my own experience, there was two or three guys I can remember giving my number to but never hearing from.  Whatever happened to those guys?   I guess if they were that forgettable, maybe I was too. 

While CC will probably spend all this week making up scenarios about why he may not have called her – wondering if she did something wrong, wondering if he’s just busy, wondering if he’s seeing someone else… who knows?  It could be a number of reasons and the sooner you stop asking yourself why, the sooner you’ll move on and give your number to another guy who may or may not call you back.  Just don’t get so wrapped up in one guy.  The cycle always continues, and that’s the best advice I can give a friend. 

While I may not be a role model for how to have a successful and meaningful romantic relationship, I have an excellent history of not making myself miserable over a guy.  And if you ask me, the first step toward happiness is not allowing yourself to be miserable.

What would’ve happened?

I was on the Metro at lunchtime the other day, heading back to work.  (Oh! and minding my own business.  That’s an important detail to the story.)  As I sat in the window seat, reading my Express newspaper and minding my own business, it was hard to ignore the guy who sat down next to me.  It’s not that he was good-looking.  Though he wasn’t bad-looking, either.  He just called attention to himself by trying to not to call attention to himself. 

See if you can follow me here… Before the guy sat down next to me, he paused.  As if he was changing his mind, then changing his mind back again, and finally deciding to sit down.  I moved my jacket out of the way and he said, “Sorry.”  He gave me a look and kinda blushed and smiled.  It was a look that either said, “I think you’re pretty and I want to talk to you.” or, “I have never been on a subway before and am not sure what sort of interaction is expected of me.”  Whatever was behind the look, the blush or the awkwardness, the guy was rube.  It was kind of cute, but definitely a rube. 

As we sat, he looked over a couple of times, acted like he was about to say something, then closed his mouth and looked down at his papers.  I am very skillful at avoiding interaction on the Metro, so I was engrossed in my Express beyond interruption.  (By Invitation Only?  Oh please tell me more!!) 

So, I get to the movie section of the paper and there’s a flick I would like to see.  I wonder.  What would happen if I just turned to him, and enthusastically said, “This looks good.  Let’s go see it!”  Can you do that?  Would it ever work like that?  Could you just turn to a stranger and say, “Rent is playing at the Keegan Theatre, wanna go?”  Were I just a little more ballsy, I may have tried it this experiment.  But then, all the “what if”s went through my head.  What if he’s married or engaged?  Then I’ve just asked a married man on a date.  That’s no good.  What if he says yes, but he’s crazy?  Then I’m stuck with a crazy person and I have no one blame but myself.  What if he’s married AND crazy?  There are just too many variables here.  I won’t be asking anyone out on Metro anytime soon.  Unless he’s so super hot I’m indifferent to whether he is crazy or turns me down.  I haven’t seen one that hot in a while, though.  Definitely not in DC.

All of this went through my head as the rube sat awkwardly next to me.  When the train approached my station, I folded my paper and gripped my handbag, giving those subtle warning signs like we do in DC.  The My-stop-is-next-so-please-be-prepared-to-move paper shuffle and handbag grab combo.  The train stopped, I said, “Excuse me” and leaned forward to get out of my seat.  He jumped up and said, “Oh!  Sorry!”  The poor guy dropped the paperwork he was holding all over the ground.  We both reached to pick it up, then I realized – lunch hour is over, that door is going to close & my employer is on the other side of it.  So, I left the guy to pick up his paperwork and dashed out the doors onto the platform.  No date, no interaction, possibly leaving him feeling bad about himself.  But he did have the entire seat to himself!

I can only hope that he effectively reads body language and could tell that I genuinely felt bad about leaving him picking paperwork off the floor of the train car.  He apologized to me twice.  Once when I moved my coat, and once when he had to move so I could get out.  Neither of these warranted an apology.  But then, maybe when you’re a rube, you just apologize a lot.  I don’t know, but I do know this.  If I meet a hottie on Metro while I’m reading the movie section of the Express, I’m gonna ask him to a movie and see what happens.  If he’s really really hot, I’ll pick a newspaper up off the floor, flip to the movie section furiously, and try to act casual as I hit on the guy.  Then I’ll probably apologize twice and pick my pride up off the floor as I watch him dash away.

New rule: everyone must justify their marital status

I am sitting across from my friend Ella having Sunday brunch.  Between bites of crab cake, she tells me all about her new romance.  They met a Halloween party, she got drunk and brought him home, thought it would be a one-night stand [licks her fork, sets it down with a triumphant clank] but it turns out they really like each other! 

She goes on to tell me that he’s 32 and gives me the highlights of what he does for a living: he’s an expert in his field, he was published right out of college, teaches a class one semester out of the year.  Then she says, “He’s always been really focused and that’s why he’s never been married.  He’s just been so immersed in his work that he hasn’t really thought about settling down or having kids…” 

She continues but by this point I’m not really listening because I’m stuck on that sentence, “…that’s why he’s never been married.”  I hate it that anyone age 30 or over feels the need to justify not being married.  It becomes a natural reflex after a while.  Even when no one asks, some singles will just offer up the information, as if they will avoid harsh judgment by giving a valid explanation for being single.  You know what I want to know?  I want to know why people are married.  Especially those couples where one of them is incredibly attractive and the other is plain, or maybe just plain ugly. 

The world would be a wonderful place if only it were socially acceptable to ask, “Why are you married to this person?”  I mean, sure, the obvious answer that everyone would give would be “love” but that is a total cop-out.  That’s like saying “I just haven’t found the right person yet” when someone asks you why you’re single.  I want to have conversations with married people where they feel the need to justify why they married their significant other.  Whether it be, “The sex was great” or “He got me pregnant” or “I was afraid of spending the rest of my life alone.”  I just want to be able to have that conversation in polite society.  It’s only fair, isn’t it?

Break the ice, Caps fans!

The ad reads:  Single? [yes!]  Looking for someone to share your passion for the Capitals? [... depends what they look like...]  If your answer is yes, then you should attend Capitals Singles Night at Bar Louie on Friday, Nov. 13 from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. Tickets are only $20 to the event and includes drinks (soda, beer and wine), appetizers and icebreakers to get to know the others in the room. The singles night event does not include a game ticket.

Twenty bucks?  5:30?  You had me, then you lost me. 

Perhaps if the event didn’t start a half hour before I get off work, I might consider this further.  But $20?  On top of the ever-increasing ticket prices to the games?  They are charging $60 just for a seat in the Eagle’s Nest.  If I pay that much, I think they should set me up on a date along with the price of admission.  For those who are paying the $130 or more to sit in the lower level, they should be entitled to at least some heavy petting – Minimum! 

Another reason I find this to be a bad idea is that the $20 goes for drinks, appetizers and icebreakers.  I’m sorry, but if I’m invited to a party where I pay $20 to drink, it is my natural reaction to try and get my money’s worth.  If the beer and wine start flowing freely at 5:30, I’ll be lucky to make it through the game without passing out.  This has all the disaster warning signs of an office Christmas party with an open bar.

Even though I am finding so many reasons to disapprove of this event, I am undeniably curious about how it will go.  I am in full support of bringing together single people with a common interest and hockey fans in general are a pretty fun group.  But I’m afraid I’ll be too busy chipping in to help pay Alexander Ovechkin’s salary by purchasing a ticket to watch the game.  I will be unable to make it to the event, get uncomfortably drunk and hit on fellow hockey fans.  I can only hope to hear wonderful stories from the folks who attend.  Have fun, my single friends!

The surge is working!

Per today’s Washington Post:  Single living is wave of the present: Census data show surge across area; Alexandria and District stand out

That’s right, we singles are surging across the DC Metro area!  William Frey of the Brookings Institution is quoted as labeling DC as “…the nation’s mecca for singles.”  Hmm… I don’t know if we’ve quite reached ”mecca”, but this is a great place to be single and I was thrilled to see this on the front page of my Express newspaper today.  The reason that being single is so much harder in certain areas is because the biggest challenge is being surrounded by couples.  You can be very content as a single living alone, but if you feel like a third wheel in all of your social situations, the pressure to settle down increases.  Being around other singles takes the pressure off and gives you much better perspective on what you’re really looking for in a mate.  (As opposed to, first looking for someone to change your social gathering from an odd number of people to an even number.)  Too many people are looking to be part of a couple, without looking to meet friends and make new acquaintances.  I love being in a community full of single people.  Thanks to the Washington Post and the Brookings demographer for noticing! 

If you read the Post article, you may or may not have clicked their link to the Census Bureau statistics.  I thought this was particularly interesting because just yesterday I mentioned a conversation I had where someone told me that the ratio of single women to single men is 9 to 1.  My response was, “I’m guessing he did not get these numbers from the Census Bureau.”  Thank you again, Washington Post for doing my homework for me. 

I looked over the Census Bureau information for the area and did not find the ratio to be 9 to 1.  Math is not my strong subject, but it seems to me that with 621,918 “never married” women and 595,752 “never married” men, that would be about 1.04 females to every male.  Not quite 9 to 1.

If you analyze further (which you probably wouldn’t, but I did it for you) and combine the statuses of “never married” with the separated, widowed and divorced numbers, you end up with 966,195 women and 802,052 men.  That’s a ratio of 1.2 females to every male.  Higher, but still not quite 9 to 1. 

Comparing these statistics can be dubious since the “9 to 1″ estimate was given to me by someone who was talking about dating and sipping a Long Island iced tea.  His claim was that men can have their choice because they are so outnumbered.  Since the Census statistics count the marital status of people age 15 and older, clearly these people are not all dating.  If you are dating a 15-year-old, you belong in another statistic altogether.  Also something to factor in: the number of widowed females to males is over 4 to 1.  Widows come in all ages; and sadly, this is probably a younger demographic than it used to be due to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, but generally speaking - this is probably due to older women naturally outliving their husbands. Again, probably not on the dating scene. 

[If I haven't lost you yet with all of these numbers, this next paragraph should do the trick.]

The part of the census stats that I can’t wrap my head around is in the category: “Households by type.”  They list the number for “householder living alone” as 491,706.  “Male householder, no wife present, family” is 68,394.  The number for female householder with no husband and family given as 201,632.  That is nearly 3 females living alone for every male, but that still leaves over 220,000 householders living alone with no gender?  Even with the margin of error, I’m still not sure how this works out.  If anyone working for the census bureau, or perhaps an experienced demographer could fill in that gap, I would greatly appreciate it.  Since the sum of the males living alone and females living alone do not account for the total of Householders living alone, all I can do is offer one more headline to the next Washington Post story before my lunch break is over and I end this extended rant:  Census Bureau statistics indicate over half of single households are sexless. 

Great place to meet guys: a gay bar!

Quiz:  I’m a straight woman.  I am surrounded by gorgeous men.  They are all very friendly and the conversations all night have been upbeat, straightforward and fun.  Where am I? 

If you guessed “gay bar” – you got it right!

That was an easy quiz.  Where else can one be surrounded by gorgeous men?  Don’t get me wrong, there are gorgeous men everywhere and I know because I keep track of them by rubbing my scent on them everywhere I go.  But there is only one way to be truly surrounded by gorgeous men and that is to find a place where gay men go to meet other gay men. 

I was at the bar with a friend (one of the aforementioned gorgeous men) but we split up and chatted up the boys separately.  I mingled throught the bar and spoke with many different guys, but one conversation remains in my mind after several days.  I need some feedback on this one because this blew me away a little bit. 

I was talking to a gay man who has only lived in DC a few months.  When he found out I was straight, he said, “Aww… I feel so sorry for straight women in DC!”  There was such pity in his voice.  He went on to tell me the plight of all his straight female friends out here and they all have the same experience.  This is how he summed it up:

“All of my straight female friends tell me that DC is the worst place to meet men.  All of the men are either gay or married.  The guys who are single are always assholes because they know that there are more women in the area than men.  If the ratio is 9:1, they don’t care how they treat women.  They just move on to the next one.  It’s terrible.”

My response was:  “Really???”

I considered his scenario for a while, but I’m sorry I just don’t see it.  9 straight chicks to every 1 guy?  I’m guessing he did not get these numbers from the Census Bureau.  I know a lot of single guys and I guess I haven’t tried to date them, but I don’t see them treating women badly.  I feel like I know as many lonely men as I do lonely women.  He was shocked that I didn’t have the same experience and he asked another single straight female in the bar and her voice immediately raised a few octives after she heard the question, “OMIGOD!  This is a terrible city to meet straight guys!!”  I guess I was overruled.