Is this some kind of a joke?

I read that a new study was released about the stigma faced by single women.  I thought it was tongue-in-cheek when the writer said the article was called, “I’m a Loser, I’m Not Married, Let’s Just All Look at Me” but I was surprised to discover, that appears to be the title of a University of Missouri study.  The official title is, “I’m a loser, I’m not married, let’s just all look at me:” Never married women’s perceptions of their social environment.  By E. Sharp and L. Ganong.   

[In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I must tell you - I am already pissed off at Mizzou for beating Clemson in the men's basketball tournament and losing me points in BOTH of my NCAA brackets.  (Likewise, if the University of Northern Iowa or Ohio University release similar studies, I will be repeating this disclosure.)]

I don’t know anything about The Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Mizzou, but a quick perusal of their website shows a clear leaning toward the “family studies” part of their title.  Their Centers and Outreach section gives links to their Center for Family Policy and Research, Child Development Lab, Focus on Kids program, and Pigskin Preschool – where families can drop their kids off before home football games.  Do you see a common theme here?  I’m seeing an awful lot of focus on the family unit here.  There also seems to be quite a lot of research about divorce, separation, and parenting.  I do not understand why this department has released this provocatively titled study about single women.  Their body of work seems to give the study less credibility than the title does.

While Mizzou’s HDFS Department and men’s basketball team can both pretty much kiss my ass right now, it does appear that one author credited on this study has some credibility.  Elizabeth Sharp is an Associate Professor at Texas Tech [Texas Tech men's basketball team played in the NIT tournament this year and has therefore fostered no ill-will with me as far as NCAA brackets are involved.]  Professor Sharp’s body of work reflects more research with gender and singles than does her UM coauthor’s 43-page curriculum vitae. 

The only information I have about the study is what is in press releases, and so I will reserve judgment until I have read it in its entirety.  However, I will leave you with my initial reaction:  The press release begins by saying that approximately 40 percent of adults in the U.S. were single in 2009, and only 32 women were interviewed for the study.  That seems like an extremely small selection for a study in which the name implies that all single women all feel like losers.  I would also argue that if the women interviewed were in Missouri or Texas, they would naturally have very different perceptions than women who live on either coast or in larger cities.  But again, I don’t know the details of the study, I just know what the press release says and it does not reflect the feelings of this particular never-married female; with the exception of the following statement [emphasis mine]:

The visibility and invisibility factors were impacted by age, according to Ganong. The mid-20’s through mid-30’s is a time of intense contemplation and concern for single women regarding their future family trajectories. Women older than 35 tend to be content with being single and don’t express as much dissatisfaction as do younger women. Women ages 25-35 felt the most stigma, which may be attributed to the fact that being single is more acceptable before age 25.

I think there is some truth to this, and also some hope.  There is undeniably pressure on single women to get married, and I can only hope that they do not allow themselves to feel like losers if they don’t follow the path society imposes upon them. In my experience, women become more comfortable in their own skin and realize their happiness, usually when they are in thier thirties.  It is life experience, not marriage, that inspires this acceptance.  But if women are married before they reach that age, I suppose they would never know that.

SWF seeks SM with low copays, low deductible

I’ve always admired women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it.  Here is the website of one such woman.  While I admit that Terri is thinking way outside of the box, and also calling attention to a huge political debate right now, she knows what she’s looking for in a man… and it’s health insurance.

There are so many things that can be said about this blatant attempt to find health insurance in America, but it’s not my intention to start a healthcare debate.  There are plenty of places where one can go and debate that political side of the issue.  I’m more interested in what this says about being single. 

It should come as no surprise to anyone that there are many perks afforded to married couples that singles are simply not eligible for.  Health insurance is one of them.  There are many people in this world who I love dearly and would do anything for them, but I could not add anyone onto my employer-based healthcare insurance unless they’re a dependent or spouse.  So, this woman has removed any connection between love and marriage and is seeking a complete stranger to marry her.  I guess if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

I can appreciate this attempt because it does show how backward things are, and it makes it so much clearer now that she is working on starting a dating site.  Her intention is to bring together people like herself who are unable to get insurance because of pre-existing conditions, with people who “…are compassionate, caring and willing to share their health insurance…”  (or, let’s face it, people who are desperate and don’t want to be alone even if it means an arranged marriage to someone with a terminal illness.)  Apparently Terri had so many offers and so many people with similar stories, she’s starting a dating site to get these people together.

If there’s one thing I appreciate more than a woman who knows who she wants, it’s someone who is not a boy-hog!  It’s nice of her to help these folks network, and I’m interested to see how this endeavor turns out in the end.  I don’t think it’s the best-laid plan to enter into a legal marriage with someone for their health insurance.  Where does that leave them if the spouse loses their coverage?  Is this written into their vows?  “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live… or until COBRA benefits are exhausted.  Whichever comes first.” 

When you read this story and have your debates about how badly we need healthcare reform in this country, please consider another flaw that is exposed by Terri’s plea for health insurance.  We also need to reform the way we look at marriage and relationships.  It is shameful that someone in the U.S. so desperately needs expensive medical coverage (and not just one person, but enough to warrant starting a dating site!)  But what does it say for the country when someone’s pre-existing condition no longer disqualifies her once she becomes someone’s spouse?  Marrying a stranger is one of her few options to be eligible for insurance that will save her own life.  In the opinion of this blogger, that puts far too little value on someone’s life, and far too much value on the institution of marriage.

Glass chapels

Last week I shared a classic tale of woe about my dear friend CC exchanging numbers with a guy and not knowing what to do next.  I wish I could give you an update as to whether or not he called, but I haven’t heard and it would be counterintuitive to ask her, “Whatever happened to that guy I told you to forget all about?  You forgot about him until I just now brought it up?  Oh.  Sorry about that.” 

While I can not update you as to that situation, I can update you on the response I’ve received.  Surprisingly, I had a few people back me up on the “forget about him” advice.  Which is good because I had my doubts about that one.  I don’t know how to make a relationship work, I only know how to live a happy life.  It would seem that many people find the former to be of greater importance.  I don’t always know what to say to those people.

So, while CC was asking me for advice, I was second-guessing myself and asking others for advice on her behalf.  I can’t even tell you how many times the response I heard was, “Oh, I remember those days.  I’m so glad I’m married!”  Or, “Hearing that story makes me so glad I have [insert name of spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend here] and don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore.”  Someone gave me a look of complete contempt and said, “I don’t envy you single folks these days!”  These comments all were accompanied by varying levels of pity and sympathy.

This is the point when I start to get annoyed.  You do not have to worry about that stuff when you’re single.  It is a conscious choice, and in this example, CC chose to fret.  But believe it or not, it is possible to live a happy life without being in a romantic relationship.  After I heard the “So glad I’m married” response enough times, I felt like saying, “Aww, I’m so sorry you had to get married just to get a grip!  That’s a terrible solution to a temporary problem!!” or “I remember those days waiting by the phone, too.  But I didn’t do anything drastic like get married, I just had to stop giving a shit and let myself be happy.  It’s unfortunate that you had to commit the rest of your life to someone just to feel better about yourself.” 

I realize that I am exaggerating and not being entirely fair.  I can’t assume that everyone just settled.  Hopefully that wasn’t the only reason they decided to settle down.  But I heard it enough times that I began to consider what exactly people were saying.  A lot of single people are unhappy, I get that.  But there are two ways to stop feeling bad about being single.  One is to find someone and couple up and stop being single.  The other is to let yourself be happy, regardless of your marital status.  Personally I think the latter makes more sense.  If you can be happy on your own, you have a lot more to offer a potential life partner – should you find one you deem suitable. 

I’m sorry, but if you pour on the pity and pull your significant other closer at the thought of being single, you need to re-examine that situation.  Going out and dating can be challenging and emotionally draining, of course.  But no more so than maintaining a relationship.  Being single has challenges.  Relationships have challenges.  Many times those single people who are miserable and lonely eventually find relationships and still feel miserable and lonely.  Being married may save you from waiting by the phone for a potential suitor to call, but it does not equal automatic happiness and bliss.  No one thinks twice about saying, “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with being single anymore!”  I’m beginning to take offense.  I should get to follow it up with, “Yeah, but look at that hot mess you took to the altar.  You’re telling me that was worth it?!?”  Or maybe the next time someone tells me about a marital problem, I should say, “Wow!  I’m so glad I didn’t marry that guy.  Thanks for taking him out of the dating pool!”  Of course, I would never say these things because it’s rude and I would be completely out of line.  So why is it okay to sympathize with the poor single people, but we have to pretend that every marriage is happily ever after? 

 How about a truce?  Married folks: Stop feeling sorry for the single people and we singles won’t give you a hard time about those dreadful in-laws of yours!  Deal?

New rule: everyone must justify their marital status

I am sitting across from my friend Ella having Sunday brunch.  Between bites of crab cake, she tells me all about her new romance.  They met a Halloween party, she got drunk and brought him home, thought it would be a one-night stand [licks her fork, sets it down with a triumphant clank] but it turns out they really like each other! 

She goes on to tell me that he’s 32 and gives me the highlights of what he does for a living: he’s an expert in his field, he was published right out of college, teaches a class one semester out of the year.  Then she says, “He’s always been really focused and that’s why he’s never been married.  He’s just been so immersed in his work that he hasn’t really thought about settling down or having kids…” 

She continues but by this point I’m not really listening because I’m stuck on that sentence, “…that’s why he’s never been married.”  I hate it that anyone age 30 or over feels the need to justify not being married.  It becomes a natural reflex after a while.  Even when no one asks, some singles will just offer up the information, as if they will avoid harsh judgment by giving a valid explanation for being single.  You know what I want to know?  I want to know why people are married.  Especially those couples where one of them is incredibly attractive and the other is plain, or maybe just plain ugly. 

The world would be a wonderful place if only it were socially acceptable to ask, “Why are you married to this person?”  I mean, sure, the obvious answer that everyone would give would be “love” but that is a total cop-out.  That’s like saying “I just haven’t found the right person yet” when someone asks you why you’re single.  I want to have conversations with married people where they feel the need to justify why they married their significant other.  Whether it be, “The sex was great” or “He got me pregnant” or “I was afraid of spending the rest of my life alone.”  I just want to be able to have that conversation in polite society.  It’s only fair, isn’t it?

“The way things are” is wrong

I am usually pretty laid back and easy to get along with, but I have been described by my friends as “militant” when it comes to being single.  It’s not a constant chip on my shoulder, but if there is one thing that is sure to get me fired up, it’s the constant pressure that society puts on single people to couple up and marry off.  I love being single and I think if it wasn’t for the social stigma, more people would feel comfortable living the single life.

Lately, it hasn’t been my defense of the single lifestyle that has inspired me to take a stand.  My inner-activist has been clamoring to get out in support of another issue altogether.  It may seem contradictory to my general leanings, but my militant support has come out full force recently.  This time, in support of gay marriage.

It may seem counterintuitive, or even hypocritical, but I am 100% in support of legalizing gay marriage.  Don’t get me wrong, I still think that the single life is the best and I may even be described as bit “anti-marriage”, but I am still pro gay marriage.  Or the legalization of it at any rate.  A same-sex couple should have just as much right to a miserable, unhappy, fulfilling marriage as a straight couple. 

I have a close friend who was devastated by the recent repeal of the gay marriage law in Maine.  He does not live in Maine, but was so hopeful for the tide to begin to change in this country.  With a result of 52 to 47 supporting the repeal, he seemed to lose so much hope.  Why should he have to fight so hard? 

What it seems to come down to with gay marriage referendums is the churches and religious groups against the active supporters of gay rights.  The average straight person (like me) may support the rights of homosexuals, but is probably not inclined to actively show support or mobilize to get out the vote unless they are personally touched by this issue through someone close to them (like me.)  It is this lack of involvement that is keeping gay Americans from a basic civil right in this country.  To disallow someone to marry the person they love is no better than an arranged marriage; forcing someone to marry someone they don’t love.  Either restriction seems equally un-American to me, yet one is a matter of law in this country and generally accepted. 

47 to 52 is an impressive turnout for the Maine referendum considering the opposition’s ability to mobilize and get out the vote.  The anti-gay marriage lobby has far more resources than gay rights groups.  The fact that the support for gay  marriage only fell 5% short is hopeful, but without that 5%, there is no change. 

It’s time for more straight people to take a good look at the way peoples’ rights are being trampled and take a good look at their conscience and get involved.  The rights of our friends, families, brothers and sisters are being trivialized and disregarded.  I have no intention of ever getting married, but I would not stand for allowing the government to take away my right to do so. 

People may be conflicted about gay marriage, but in the end everyone must follow their hearts.  From this point forth, I will follow mine and do everything I can to support the equal rights for everyone to marry.  Just as I hope everyone will support my rights in choosing not to.

Hate is a strong word

I hate this billboard.

Don’t get me wrong, it makes the point very clear as to what they are selling. And it’s even kind of funny, if you don’t mind blatant stereotyping to sell products. 

Do you remember the old ads targeting housewives in the 1950s?  The distressed woman with her hand on her head, “My husband won’t love me if the dishes have spots!”  This is the modern-day equivalent.  The target demographic is different, but the idea is the same.  Instead of targeting housewives and reminding them of their womanly duties, this ad is directed toward single people.  Not just the single men who buy engagement rings, but the single women who insist upon having them.  It seems innocuous enough, but the implications toward both sexes are pretty awful.  Here she is, tired of waiting around patiently while her boyfriend refuses to grow up and do the right thing. 

Maybe it seems harmless to most consumers.  I’d be curious to watch a focus group to see how married people and single people react to the ad.  Hell, maybe other singles can relate.  Personally, I think it’s a not-so-subtle example of the pressure our society puts on single people to settle down.  To be fair, it is an ad for a jeweler and it’s in their best interest to perpetuate the myth of marital necessity.  It is harder to sell engagement rings when people are happily single.