Diary of a spinster
Okay, I admit it – I have a chip on my shoulder. I can’t help myself. Whenever I see the same stereotypes of single women – sad, lonely, sitting at home with their cats… it pisses me off. It’s not just the stereotype, but the sad, confused, sympathetic looks people give me when I tell them that I’m single and they lump me into that category. Their looks tell me that they fully expect that I go home lonely every night and cry myself to sleep and refer to my cats as my “babies.” For your information, I don’t enjoy cats.
Even more than stereotypes and condescending and sympathetic looks, the thing that upsets me most of all is that women actually believe this shit. They get down on themselves because they don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, maybe they want to be in love and think it’s never going to happen for them. Desire for companionship becomes desperation and soon they really are feeling sorry for themselves.
It’s bullshit, ladies. Complete bullshit. I haven’t updated this blog for a while. Would you like to know where this single thirty-something has been? This spinster has been living it up on a Caribbean vacation with a hottie who lives hundreds of miles away. I don’t get to see him very often. Sometimes we get together in my city, sometimes we get together in his (less impressive) city, and a few months ago he surprised me with plane tickets to paradise and all expenses paid accommodations for us at a beach resort. It was… paradise.
Being single doesn’t mean being alone or turning into an “old maid.” It just means you’re not in a committed relationship with another person. Which means… you can do whatever you want. If you want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you can do that; but it is ill-advised. My advice is to enjoy life and take advantage of all that life has to offer. Of course, life doesn’t always offer all-expenses-paid vacations, but it is possible to have love and companionship in your life without settling down. For some of us, it’s preferable.
I wish more women would stop dwelling on this expectation that “happily ever after” means having a man sweep you off your feet and settling down with your one true love. Start to think outside of the box. In my life, I don’t have one “soulmate,” I have an entire community of soulmates. The love of my friends and my family, someone to call when I need to talk, someone to go out to dinner and a movie with, someone to curl up on the couch with and watch movies, and someone I can count on no matter what. These are all things people get from their significant other, and I have all of these things even though I’m single. They just don’t all happen to be the same person. I realize that most women my age are married, but I can’t imagine that they are happier in life than I am. I feel blessed to have the wonderful life that I have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
In the May issue of Experience Life magazine, an adaptation from the book Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by psychologist and professor Todd Kashdan reads, “Happiness is a good thing. Yet, both in my professional research and in my personal experience, I’ve observed that when we focus solely on what we think will make us happy, we can lose track of what actually does.” I couldn’t agree more, and I see this all the time when it comes to relationships. Single people need to stop trying to find a relationship that makes them happy, and just be happy. Being miserable is a choice. And a bad one.
I will admit, physical intimacy becomes tricky when you are single. Everyone needs physical intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex. There is something about the physical act of love that can not be satisfied with battery-operated appliances. But when you stop looking for love, and accept a relationship with a lover for what it really is, it is possible to “make love” without being “in love.” The problem is, too many people try to validate their physical relationship by making it into something that it’s not.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to stop looking for love and make a conscious decision to be happy with the life I have and all of the people in it. I talk a lot about dating on this blog , and I do love to meet people and go out on dates. But I’m always up front with people that I am not looking to settle down. As a result, some of these non-relationships have become pretty long-term. For example, I went out on a date with a guy in 2002. We did not have sex, but we had a great time and were supposed to get together again, but life got in the way and he ended up taking another job and moving away before we had a chance to get together again. I have never again been in the same city as him, but I bet I haven’t gone more than two months without hearing from him in the eight years since that first date. We constantly call, email or text to flirt and update one another on what’s going on in our lives. Sometimes you just need a hottie to tell you how awesome you are, and I think we have both served that purpose for one another for quite a long time.
I have a similar connection with the guy who took me on a dream vacation, and the young man I wrote about back in February. The latter is off finishing school, but I still hear from him every few weeks. In fact, after a particularly stressful work week, I came home to a message from him in my Inbox. It had been about six weeks since we’d talked or emailed, but he wrote me to tell me about a convention he attended that was very similar to the one that brought him to DC when we met. His email ends with the sentence: “It’s fun, but it’s definitely made me think of, and consequently miss you.”
It was very sweet, and happened to be exactly what I needed to hear after a crappy work week. Also, it’s enough. I think that there is a happiness that comes with carrying people in your heart, but I have a pretty big heart and there’s room for a whole lot of people. It is absolutely possible to feel happy and fulfilled without following the path that society has imposed upon us. It’s also possible to share your life with people, without being in a committed relationship with them. I expect that people will judge me for having a sexual relationship with more than one person, but I have to remind you, this is completely on the level. No one is cheating, no one is getting hurt. There is a large, beautiful gray area that falls in between complete monogamy - and tawdry, meaningless one night stands. Two consenting adults can respectfully enjoy each other’s company while sharing brief encounters. Sometimes it happens during a blizzard, sometimes on a beach resort. But they are still magical and leave fond memories that last forever. Doesn’t everyone have an ex or ”the one that got away,” someone who they still have feelings for? Someone from their past who will always have a special place in their heart? Believe it or not, there is a way to keep that spark and rekindle it every now and again. But it will only make you happy if you allow yourself to be happy.
