Eric

I’ve been doing some organizing lately and on Sunday night I came across a box full of old love letters.  Okay, not all of them were “love letters” some were letters from guys but others were from family, but I love my fam, so technically they’re all love letters.  One particular letter caught my interest.  The envelope had only my first name on the outside so it must have been left somewhere for me.  Inside is two pages of loose-leaf paper with the following words: 

I haven’t written to anyone all semester, so I’m a little out of practice.  It’s about 4:30 in the morning and I figured I probably shouldn’t call, so I decided to write.  (In case your wondering I am completely SOBER.)  I hope you got my message today because I seriously do want to talk to you.  I don’t know exactly how to put this, but I’ll try my best.  (I’m usually a lot easier talking to someone than writing to someone.)  I just want to let you know how I feel about you.  I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about you.  Maybe it’s your sweet smile or maybe it’s your sense of humor.  I wish I knew.  I wish that you were here right now so I could tell you this face to face.  There is just something special about you that I’m attracted to.  If your laughing right now please stop.  (I know this sounds stupid.)  I know that we agreed to slow down and just be friends for now but lately I’m beginning to think you don’t even want that.  It seems like every day your brushing me off.  I know your busy with lots of things and I understand that, it’s just I feel like you don’t give a shit whether or not you see me at all.  I just want you to be honest with me.  If you don’t want to be around me, do us both a favor and just let me know.  I f you do care about me, just give me a chance I promise I won’t let you down.  I realize that you have been in bad relationships in the past, but you’ll never know what it would be like with me until you give it a try.  I don’t want to rush you in to anything, I just want you to keep an open mind.  I want to know if you care or not.  I want to put everything behind us and start over again.  I realize that we got off to a bad start, and I take some of the blame for that.  You told me once that you wanted to get to know me, it’s a little difficult when you don’t want to ever talk to me or go out.  I really care about you and I don’t want to just walk away mad.  You mean way too much to me for me to just drop everything and stop talking to you.  I realize that you are very independent, but everyone needs someone to talk to.  Just give me a chance.  Please call me.

Sincerely, Eric

*Please try to free your calendar for next Friday from 3:00 on.  I made plans and I really want you to join me. 

 

I found this on Sunday and it’s been on my mind for the last two days and I just can’t figure it out…  Who’s Eric? 

Seriously, I know I am an asshole, but who the hell is Eric?  I don’t remember dating an Eric.  It was fifteen years ago and I was 20, maybe 21 years old.  It was a long time ago.  I wonder whatever happened to Eric.  I wonder a lot of things about Eric… like for example, what his last name is. 

I make light of this, but I do feel something when I read this letter.  It’s so full of the raw emotion of a 20-year old.  These are the words of someone who knows he should quit thinking about someone, but he can’t help himself, he’s going to go for it anyway and give it a shot.  Who among us can’t relate to that?  It’s happened to us all.  Even when we know better, we just convince ourselves that we haven’t found the right approach, or the right words to say… there’s something that keeps us going against our better judgement.  Only to be shot down by someone who can’t even remember our name fifteen years later. 

Along with Eric’s letter, there were several letters from Andrew.  I met Andrew when he was in the Army, home on leave.  Over several years time, we spent no more than five days together and lived hundreds of miles away from one another the whole time.  I thought about him all the time and I had a great time with him, but it was all pretty innocent.  We “slept together” one time, but I was the only one who slept.  He was home for Christmas and we were on the couch in my apartment watching a movie.  I fell asleep on his lap.  He wasn’t tired but he said I looked so comfortable he didn’t want to wake me up.  But he was bored.  He was trapped on my couch with nothing but the remote control, some gift wrap, and a scotch tape dispenser within his reach.  So, like any normal person, he took the tape and covered me in it while I slept.  He just sat there pulling of small pieces of tape and sticking them on my clothes, my skin, a few in my hair.  I woke up confused, met with his guilty laughter ”What did you DO?!?  Why are you covered in little pieces of tape?!?” I still remember his smile as he giggled about his mischief.  He was adorable.  Completely innocent, really ridiculous, fun, charming.  That was Andrew.  I adored him. 

At some point, Andrew suddenly stopped responding to my letters.  I know that he’s married now and has kids.  I can only conclude that he met someone nearer to where he was stationed and cut me out of his life very unceremoniously.  Or, perhaps he found out about Eric – whoever that is – and decided to move on with someone else.  Even after he cut me out, we ran into each other unexpectedly a couple of times and still had fun and made each other laugh like the old days.  We were both seeing someone else at that point, but we got along so well that I was sure it was “meant to be.”  For the longest time, I was sure that Andrew and I would somehow end up back together again.  He will always have a special place in my heart, but I’ve accepted that it is not destiny after all, just great chemistry and a couple of wild coincidences. 

Maybe I am Andrew’s Eric.  Perhaps someday he’ll find a fifteen year old letter from me and rack his brain trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Nonetheless, he’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

If you have stuck with the story this long, I thank you for taking the time to read through a lot of random, personal information just to make one very important point:  No matter how you feel about someone, or how you see yourself with them, or how much you’re willing to put yourself out there to get their attention – the way you feel today is not the way you will always feel.  It probably won’t even take you fifteen years, but over time, you’ll eventually look back at things very differently than you do when you’re in the heat of the moment. 

Love makes people impulsive, makes us throw caution to the wind, it makes us feel alive.  It’s a wonderful thing.  But sometimes it breaks us.  For everyone who has ever been broken… who has had the guts to write a letter like Eric’s, only to get shot down and ultimately forgotten about; always remember:  Things look differently in the heat of the moment.  In the long run, things change, feelings change, and memories fade.  It’s okay to be hung up on someone for a while and you don’t have to forget about them, but the key to being happy when you’re single is to stop indulging in those impulses that keep you coming back to the wrong person.  And sometimes you have to accept that destiny is not what you thought it was going to be.

Diary of a spinster

Okay, I admit it – I have a chip on my shoulder. I can’t help myself. Whenever I see the same stereotypes of single women – sad, lonely, sitting at home with their cats… it pisses me off. It’s not just the stereotype, but the sad, confused, sympathetic looks people give me when I tell them that I’m single and they lump me into that category. Their looks tell me that they fully expect that I go home lonely every night and cry myself to sleep and refer to my cats as my “babies.” For your information, I don’t enjoy cats.

Even more than stereotypes and condescending and sympathetic looks, the thing that upsets me most of all is that women actually believe this shit. They get down on themselves because they don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, maybe they want to be in love and think it’s never going to happen for them. Desire for companionship becomes desperation and soon they really are feeling sorry for themselves.

It’s bullshit, ladies. Complete bullshit. I haven’t updated this blog for a while. Would you like to know where this single thirty-something has been? This spinster has been living it up on a Caribbean vacation with a hottie who lives hundreds of miles away. I don’t get to see him very often. Sometimes we get together in my city, sometimes we get together in his (less impressive) city, and a few months ago he surprised me with plane tickets to paradise and all expenses paid accommodations for us at a beach resort. It was… paradise.

Being single doesn’t mean being alone or turning into an “old maid.” It just means you’re not in a committed relationship with another person. Which means… you can do whatever you want. If you want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you can do that; but it is ill-advised. My advice is to enjoy life and take advantage of all that life has to offer. Of course, life doesn’t always offer all-expenses-paid vacations, but it is possible to have love and companionship in your life without settling down. For some of us, it’s preferable.

I wish more women would stop dwelling on this expectation that “happily ever after” means having a man sweep you off your feet and settling down with your one true love. Start to think outside of the box. In my life, I don’t have one “soulmate,” I have an entire community of soulmates. The love of my friends and my family, someone to call when I need to talk, someone to go out to dinner and a movie with, someone to curl up on the couch with and watch movies, and someone I can count on no matter what.  These are all things people get from their significant other, and I have all of these things even though I’m single.  They just don’t all happen to be the same person. I realize that most women my age are married, but I can’t imagine that they are happier in life than I am. I feel blessed to have the wonderful life that I have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

In the May issue of Experience Life magazine, an adaptation from the book Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by psychologist and professor Todd Kashdan reads, “Happiness is a good thing. Yet, both in my professional research and in my personal experience, I’ve observed that when we focus solely on what we think will make us happy, we can lose track of what actually does.”  I couldn’t agree more, and I see this all the time when it comes to relationships.  Single people need to stop trying to find a relationship that makes them happy, and just be happy.  Being miserable is a choice.  And a bad one.

I will admit, physical intimacy becomes tricky when you are single.  Everyone needs physical intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex.  There is something about the physical act of love that can not be satisfied with battery-operated appliances.  But when you stop looking for love, and accept a relationship with a lover for what it really is, it is possible to “make love” without being “in love.”  The problem is, too many people try to validate their physical relationship by making it into something that it’s not. 

The best thing I ever did for myself was to stop looking for love and make a conscious decision to be happy with the life I have and all of the people in it.  I talk a lot about dating on this blog , and I do love to meet people and go out on dates.  But I’m always up front with people that I am not looking to settle down.  As a result, some of these non-relationships have become pretty long-term.  For example, I went out on a date with a guy in 2002.  We did not have sex, but we had a great time and were supposed to get together again, but life got in the way and he ended up taking another job and moving away before we had a chance to get together again.  I have never again been in the same city as him, but I bet I haven’t gone more than two months without hearing from him in the eight years since that first date.  We constantly call, email or text to flirt and update one another on what’s going on in our lives.  Sometimes you just need a hottie to tell you how awesome you are, and I think we have both served that purpose for one another for quite a long time. 

I have a similar connection with the guy who took me on a dream vacation, and the young man I wrote about back in February.  The latter is off finishing school, but I still hear from him every few weeks.  In fact, after a particularly stressful work week, I came home to a message from him in my Inbox.  It had been about six weeks since we’d talked or emailed, but he wrote me to tell me about a convention he attended that was very similar to the one that brought him to DC when we met.  His email ends with the sentence: “It’s fun, but it’s definitely made me think of, and consequently miss you.”

It was very sweet, and happened to be exactly what I needed to hear after a crappy work week.  Also, it’s enough.  I think that there is a happiness that comes with carrying people in your heart, but I have a pretty big heart and there’s room for a whole lot of people.  It is absolutely possible to feel happy and fulfilled without following the path that society has imposed upon us.  It’s also possible to share your life with people, without being in a committed relationship with them.  I expect that people will judge me for having a sexual relationship with more than one person, but I have to remind you, this is completely on the level.  No one is cheating, no one is getting hurt.  There is a large, beautiful gray area that falls in between complete monogamy - and tawdry, meaningless one night stands.  Two consenting adults can respectfully enjoy each other’s company while sharing brief encounters.  Sometimes it happens during a blizzard, sometimes on a beach resort.  But they are still magical and leave fond memories that last forever.  Doesn’t everyone have an ex or ”the one that got away,” someone who they still have feelings for?  Someone from their past who will always have a special place in their heart?  Believe it or not, there is a way to keep that spark and rekindle it every now and again.  But it will only make you happy if you allow yourself to be happy.

Sorry I accidentally slept with you…

It was another boring day at work until I stepped into the breakroom and walked in on a conversation between two male coworkers.  John – who is a bit shy, super nice guy, but almost hard to talk to because he is so reserved. And Eric – who is none of those things.  Eric is a lot of fun to work with, rarely takes anything seriously, and is not reserved about anything.  So when I walk in the room, Eric says, “Hey!  We have a hypothetical question!  If a guy goes out with a girl and they sleep together, but he’s not interested in her, what should he do?”  I look over at John and he’s blushing furiously and seems really embarrassed, but also is looking intently to hear my advice.  He’s apparently been fretting about this all day. 

I know I’m going to take a lot of crap for this, but I say – don’t call her back.  Eric laughed, he told him the same thing.  But John wasn’t comfortable with it.  He said, “I feel so bad.  I shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t want to be a jerk!”  I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but I had to be the one to tell him.  “You’re already a dick, dude.  If you slept with a girl who is interested in you, and you don’t want to be involved with her in any way, it’s a little late to decide not to be a jerk.  You don’t become a jerk by how you proceed, you already did the deed.  Own it.  What else are you going to do?  Pretend you’re interested?  Lead her on?  Maybe it’ll make you feel better about it, but you’re just making it worse for her.” 

Maybe Eric and I are jerks too, but we say don’t call her back.  Sure, if she calls and demands an explanation, then you should level with her.  But maybe she’s not that into you either.  Maybe she’s having the same conversation with her friends and is trying to figure out how to get herself out of the awkward situation of having slept with John.  It happens. 

But even if she’s not full of regret and is truly hoping there is a relationship there, I have never known any woman who was comforted by the “I’m not interested in you” conversation.  Women always say that’s what they want, but frankly I don’t see the point.  Every female friend I have ever known who has had a guy tell her he wasn’t interested, was not any less crushed to hear it firsthand.  Personally, I think it’s worse than not being called back.  If a guy doesn’t call you back, you move on and forget about his sorry ass.  But if he does call you back, only to tell you that he’s not attracted to you and he’s going to take a pass on any sort of relationship with you… then you’re dealing with rejection and criticism.  And it’s never constructive criticism.  I mean sure, if you’re going to call someone and say, “You’re a nice person, but you really need to trim your nosehair or no one will ever love you” then maybe that’s something she needs to hear.  But usually when someone isn’t interested – guys or girls – it’s because they’re just not attracted.  Or maybe they are interested in someone else.  But the chances of someone calling and being honest with you about why they’re not interested is pretty slim.  They will say they are busy, or they don’t want a relationship right now, or something that makes them feel like less of a jerk.  That’s the conversation that John was searching for.  But I guarantee, if John does call her back, he’s not going to level with her and say, “I have lost respect for you because you slept with me.  Not to mention you are a bit overweight for my taste and also kind of annoying.”  That would be pretty harsh, so the other alternative is to call back and lie or sugar-coat the truth, or just not call her back. 

Ladies and gents, if the object of your affection does not call you back, turn your affections elsewhere.  Move on, enjoy life.  Don’t worry about finding someone and get to know yourself a little better.  I know that my “don’t call back” advice infuriates those people who have spent endless hours waiting by the phone, but consider that it may just be the kinder, gentler alternative to the truth.  If it is someone you are interested in but haven’t invested much time in, don’t invest yourself by getting wound up waiting for the phone call.  Occupy yourself with something else, don’t get wound up over one person, and keep your nosehair trim.  Life is too short to be waiting by the phone.  And to the Johns of the world - make an effort to not be a jerk before you act like one.  It makes it so much easier on all involved!

Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day is like so many other things in life – religion, politics, media… the people on the extremes always influence the mainstream and set the tone.  And not for the better.

A scroll through my Facebook news feed shows the same dynamic I see every year on Valentine’s Day.  A small percentage of the people post pictures of the flowers they received and gush about how they have the best significant-other to ever walk the earth.  Another small percentage posts passive-aggressive messages asserting that they’ve never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, or else they’re complaining about having to look at all the flowers from the first group of people.  My favorite status update in the Facebook world was my friend Wendy: Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone!!! I hope you all have someone to put your arms around and tell them that you love them. I know I do!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I say that Wendy’s message was my favorite, I mean that it was the one that I found most ridiculous and laughable.  If you had ever met any of Wendy’s boyfriends or her ex-husband, you’d understand the depth of absurdity.  The guys Wendy dates can’t even be considered “settling” it’s more like “stooping.”  Or simply digging a hole and marrying the first thing that hits your shovel.  Her last boyfriend was unemployed and living with her on her salary alone.  Anytime she talked about breaking it off, he would threaten to kill himself.  She’s a great girl, but she was in this trainwreck of a relationship for years.  Even with a great deal of support from family and friends, it took her a very long time to break away from that relationship.  (And he did not die, he quickly moved in with someone else.)  Then she moved on to someone new with the same old issues.  She definitely seems to have a type: Attainable.

Wendy’s “I hope you have someone” message is an example of why Valentine’s Day gets such a bad rep.  It’s no better or worse than any other commercial holiday – but some people get carried away with trying to convince the rest of the world that their V-Day is so much better than everyone else’s; which leads many singles to get depressed and feel that theirs is so much worse (the “I’ve never had a boyfriend” message.) 

The truth is, most of us are in the middle.  Valentine’s Day is like any other day.  It is what you make of it.  Some of the best Valentine’s Days I’ve ever had were when I was single and doing some serious flirting.  One year I had flowers, candy and cards coming in from all over the place.  Single people need to stop letting the lovebirds façade get them down.  Valentines Day is better for singles – we can double dip!!  It’s a beautiful thing, people!!

If you’re a guy in a relationship and Valentine’s Day is coming up, you know that you’re going to be expected to do something for her.  If you’re a girl in a relationship, you probably start dropping hints in advance and know what to expect.  But if you’re single – the only pressure you have is the pressure you put on yourself.  Sure, if you’re in a public place on Valentine’s, you may have to put up with more PDAs than usual.  But if you don’t have “a valentine” you should use the same method that has worked since back in grade school.  You make a pretty box and let everyone know it’s available.  Then try to get as many people as possible to hand you a special valentine.  Believe me, it works.  But the first thing you have to do if you’re single is shake that feeling that everyone has something you don’t have.  Trust me, some of them are just flaunting something they don’t even have. 

I’ll remind you again next January, singles.  If you really want in on the Valentine’s Day hype, just start to network early.  You can have more than one valentine.  But can only get away with it if you’re single.

Glass chapels

Last week I shared a classic tale of woe about my dear friend CC exchanging numbers with a guy and not knowing what to do next.  I wish I could give you an update as to whether or not he called, but I haven’t heard and it would be counterintuitive to ask her, “Whatever happened to that guy I told you to forget all about?  You forgot about him until I just now brought it up?  Oh.  Sorry about that.” 

While I can not update you as to that situation, I can update you on the response I’ve received.  Surprisingly, I had a few people back me up on the “forget about him” advice.  Which is good because I had my doubts about that one.  I don’t know how to make a relationship work, I only know how to live a happy life.  It would seem that many people find the former to be of greater importance.  I don’t always know what to say to those people.

So, while CC was asking me for advice, I was second-guessing myself and asking others for advice on her behalf.  I can’t even tell you how many times the response I heard was, “Oh, I remember those days.  I’m so glad I’m married!”  Or, “Hearing that story makes me so glad I have [insert name of spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend here] and don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore.”  Someone gave me a look of complete contempt and said, “I don’t envy you single folks these days!”  These comments all were accompanied by varying levels of pity and sympathy.

This is the point when I start to get annoyed.  You do not have to worry about that stuff when you’re single.  It is a conscious choice, and in this example, CC chose to fret.  But believe it or not, it is possible to live a happy life without being in a romantic relationship.  After I heard the “So glad I’m married” response enough times, I felt like saying, “Aww, I’m so sorry you had to get married just to get a grip!  That’s a terrible solution to a temporary problem!!” or “I remember those days waiting by the phone, too.  But I didn’t do anything drastic like get married, I just had to stop giving a shit and let myself be happy.  It’s unfortunate that you had to commit the rest of your life to someone just to feel better about yourself.” 

I realize that I am exaggerating and not being entirely fair.  I can’t assume that everyone just settled.  Hopefully that wasn’t the only reason they decided to settle down.  But I heard it enough times that I began to consider what exactly people were saying.  A lot of single people are unhappy, I get that.  But there are two ways to stop feeling bad about being single.  One is to find someone and couple up and stop being single.  The other is to let yourself be happy, regardless of your marital status.  Personally I think the latter makes more sense.  If you can be happy on your own, you have a lot more to offer a potential life partner – should you find one you deem suitable. 

I’m sorry, but if you pour on the pity and pull your significant other closer at the thought of being single, you need to re-examine that situation.  Going out and dating can be challenging and emotionally draining, of course.  But no more so than maintaining a relationship.  Being single has challenges.  Relationships have challenges.  Many times those single people who are miserable and lonely eventually find relationships and still feel miserable and lonely.  Being married may save you from waiting by the phone for a potential suitor to call, but it does not equal automatic happiness and bliss.  No one thinks twice about saying, “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with being single anymore!”  I’m beginning to take offense.  I should get to follow it up with, “Yeah, but look at that hot mess you took to the altar.  You’re telling me that was worth it?!?”  Or maybe the next time someone tells me about a marital problem, I should say, “Wow!  I’m so glad I didn’t marry that guy.  Thanks for taking him out of the dating pool!”  Of course, I would never say these things because it’s rude and I would be completely out of line.  So why is it okay to sympathize with the poor single people, but we have to pretend that every marriage is happily ever after? 

 How about a truce?  Married folks: Stop feeling sorry for the single people and we singles won’t give you a hard time about those dreadful in-laws of yours!  Deal?

Fair weather friends need not apply

Saturday night in DC was a good night for staying home and avoiding the miserable weather.  It definitely put a damper on enthusiastic statements like, “It’s my birthday everyone, let’s go out and celebrate!”  It had been raining all day and it was a dreary day better suited for staying home and watching movies.  But if you can’t tolerate some bad weather on a friend’s birthday, how much of a friend are you, really? 

It was my friend Leah’s birthday and she invited everyone to a bar in Dupont Circle to celebrate.  It’s interesting how a group of strangers can get together – only knowing one or two people in the group – and end up having spectacular chemistry.  Later in the evening another group claimed the pool table next to ours.  One of the girls was wearing a sash that said, “Birthday Girl” and donned a paper tiara letting the world know two important details: that it was her 21st birthday, and that she was drunk enough to be seen in public wearing a ridiculous paper tiara.  It was an ensemble in the true spirit of the 21st birthday.

It wasn’t long before the two birthday girls began chatting, taking pictures together and sharing a bond that I imagine only a Libra would understand.  When Leah went to the bathroom, I told the rest of her friends, “I feel like we have failed her.  That other girl is walking around like she’s Miss America!  What did we do for Leah?  Bought her a shot?  I’m starting to think we dropped the ball.” 

Of course I was speaking facetiously.  Leah is a decade past her 21st birthday and is not the kind of person to care to aspire to be the center of attention.  She works very hard volunteering her time and energy to raise money for Cancer research.  She has an event coming up this week and one of her friends suggested we do something special for her at the event.  Not enough to take the spotlight away from the cause she’s worked so hard for, but something uniquely for her.  We haven’t yet decided if we’ll get a cake or pitch in for a spa treatment or what form it will take.  But we’ll come up with something to take care of this girl who has done so much to take care of other people. 

Saturday night I finally made it home to my warm, comfy bed; and I felt pretty warm and cozy on the inside, too.  This is one of those things that I love about being single that I don’t experience so much when I’m in a relationship.  None of us have any commitments or expectations, but we are getting together to do something nice for a friend.  Out of genuine affection.  This is something that I think you start to lose when you put so much of yourself into one relationship.  Birthdays and holidays and anniversaries come around and you always try to do something special – with varying degrees of effort depending on the individual. 

I am not suggesting that all gifts between couples are routine and obligatory.  What I am celebrating is the beauty of a gesture where there is no repercussions if you show up empty-handed, no expectation of getting something in return.  Just a genuine, unexpected demonstration that someone has touched your life and made it a little bit better.  It doesn’t make a difference if you are single, attached, married, divorced or widowed; people go out of their way to do nice things for other people all the time.  Yet, I can only speak for myself when I say that it feels so much more rewarding when I focus on relationships with friends and family, or even coworkers who make my job a little bit better just by being there every day.  These are the people in life that rarely ever know how much of a difference they make in our lives.  It is a wonderful feeling to pool your resources with others and let someone know they are appreciated.

Hate is a strong word

I hate this billboard.

Don’t get me wrong, it makes the point very clear as to what they are selling. And it’s even kind of funny, if you don’t mind blatant stereotyping to sell products. 

Do you remember the old ads targeting housewives in the 1950s?  The distressed woman with her hand on her head, “My husband won’t love me if the dishes have spots!”  This is the modern-day equivalent.  The target demographic is different, but the idea is the same.  Instead of targeting housewives and reminding them of their womanly duties, this ad is directed toward single people.  Not just the single men who buy engagement rings, but the single women who insist upon having them.  It seems innocuous enough, but the implications toward both sexes are pretty awful.  Here she is, tired of waiting around patiently while her boyfriend refuses to grow up and do the right thing. 

Maybe it seems harmless to most consumers.  I’d be curious to watch a focus group to see how married people and single people react to the ad.  Hell, maybe other singles can relate.  Personally, I think it’s a not-so-subtle example of the pressure our society puts on single people to settle down.  To be fair, it is an ad for a jeweler and it’s in their best interest to perpetuate the myth of marital necessity.  It is harder to sell engagement rings when people are happily single.

Single girl’s dictionary

Open Relationship [oh-puhn  ri-ley-shuhn-ship]:

n.  A partnership between two (2) people whereby one (1) party is unwilling to make a commitment of monogamy; and another (1) party who adores that person enough to pretend they are cool with them sleeping with other people.

Welcome to my world

This blog was conceived out of frustration.  I have three girlfriends right now who are all going through different stages of a breakup.  None of their relationships have been more than a few months, so we aren’t talking about earth-shattering, heart-breaking, estate-dividing separations here.  They are dealing with the every day, run-of-the-mill, annoying acceptance that you’ve just spent a whole lot of time with someone who is very very not right for you.

And it’s back to the drawing board.

These women don’t even know one another, but their situations are remarkably similar.  They may not realize it yet, but this isn’t about the guy in their life as much as it is about the dread of having to go back to being single.  You would think it was the end of the world.  It’s unbelievable how tightly someone will hang on to a dysfunctional relationship, just to avoid being single. 

I try not to take offense, but single is something I do very well.  Being single and living alone are two things in life that I enjoy very much.  I rarely try to explain this to people anymore because they always give me that look of pity.  Those eyes that say, “I’m listening to you but I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  Being single is not viewed as a choice, it’s the default.  It’s the state you suddenly find yourself in when your relationship fails.  It’s the interim period between relationships.  It’s rarely ever viewed as a desirable situation. 

When I tell people I’m over 30 and single, they make assumptions.  I’ve been accused of it all – I must have commitment issues, I must have had a guy break my heart and never got over it, I’m gay, I’m selfish, and the big one - I’m just afraid. 

Actually,  I can’t deny that one.  I am afraid.  But I’m not afraid of marriage, I’m afraid of unhappy marriage.  Because I seem to be surrounded by people who are in miserable relationships and for whatever reason, they will not leave.  A healthy relationship where two people have mutual respect for one another, that does not scare me at all. 

Aren’t we all afraid?  My aforementioned friends are afraid of being alone, other friends say they are afraid of what divorce would do to their kids, others may be afraid they won’t be able to pay their bills and survive on their own.  What’s the difference between me and them?  It would appear that their fears are a socially acceptable norm, while mine is an apparent character flaw. 

Right now, I know I can be happy on my own.  I am happy on my own.  When I do end up doing something foolish and falling head over heels for a guy, I may end up in a relationship.  And if I try my best to make it work with someone and it doesn’t work out, I can admit it to myself and move on.  My romantic relationships do not define me.  I am still on very good terms with most of my ex-boyfriends because it is possible (and a truly wonderful thing) to be able to say to one another, “I think you are great, I care about you a lot, but it’s not going to work out.”  Maybe y’all will just tell me I’m fooling myself some more, but I feel like I’m in a better place with my ex-boyfriends than my friends who are sending me 1 a.m. text messages from the bar telling me how much they miss a guy. 

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a selfish, gay, straight, heartbroken commitment-phobe.  Shun me as you see fit.