Diary of a spinster

Okay, I admit it – I have a chip on my shoulder. I can’t help myself. Whenever I see the same stereotypes of single women – sad, lonely, sitting at home with their cats… it pisses me off. It’s not just the stereotype, but the sad, confused, sympathetic looks people give me when I tell them that I’m single and they lump me into that category. Their looks tell me that they fully expect that I go home lonely every night and cry myself to sleep and refer to my cats as my “babies.” For your information, I don’t enjoy cats.

Even more than stereotypes and condescending and sympathetic looks, the thing that upsets me most of all is that women actually believe this shit. They get down on themselves because they don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, maybe they want to be in love and think it’s never going to happen for them. Desire for companionship becomes desperation and soon they really are feeling sorry for themselves.

It’s bullshit, ladies. Complete bullshit. I haven’t updated this blog for a while. Would you like to know where this single thirty-something has been? This spinster has been living it up on a Caribbean vacation with a hottie who lives hundreds of miles away. I don’t get to see him very often. Sometimes we get together in my city, sometimes we get together in his (less impressive) city, and a few months ago he surprised me with plane tickets to paradise and all expenses paid accommodations for us at a beach resort. It was… paradise.

Being single doesn’t mean being alone or turning into an “old maid.” It just means you’re not in a committed relationship with another person. Which means… you can do whatever you want. If you want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you can do that; but it is ill-advised. My advice is to enjoy life and take advantage of all that life has to offer. Of course, life doesn’t always offer all-expenses-paid vacations, but it is possible to have love and companionship in your life without settling down. For some of us, it’s preferable.

I wish more women would stop dwelling on this expectation that “happily ever after” means having a man sweep you off your feet and settling down with your one true love. Start to think outside of the box. In my life, I don’t have one “soulmate,” I have an entire community of soulmates. The love of my friends and my family, someone to call when I need to talk, someone to go out to dinner and a movie with, someone to curl up on the couch with and watch movies, and someone I can count on no matter what.  These are all things people get from their significant other, and I have all of these things even though I’m single.  They just don’t all happen to be the same person. I realize that most women my age are married, but I can’t imagine that they are happier in life than I am. I feel blessed to have the wonderful life that I have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

In the May issue of Experience Life magazine, an adaptation from the book Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by psychologist and professor Todd Kashdan reads, “Happiness is a good thing. Yet, both in my professional research and in my personal experience, I’ve observed that when we focus solely on what we think will make us happy, we can lose track of what actually does.”  I couldn’t agree more, and I see this all the time when it comes to relationships.  Single people need to stop trying to find a relationship that makes them happy, and just be happy.  Being miserable is a choice.  And a bad one.

I will admit, physical intimacy becomes tricky when you are single.  Everyone needs physical intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex.  There is something about the physical act of love that can not be satisfied with battery-operated appliances.  But when you stop looking for love, and accept a relationship with a lover for what it really is, it is possible to “make love” without being “in love.”  The problem is, too many people try to validate their physical relationship by making it into something that it’s not. 

The best thing I ever did for myself was to stop looking for love and make a conscious decision to be happy with the life I have and all of the people in it.  I talk a lot about dating on this blog , and I do love to meet people and go out on dates.  But I’m always up front with people that I am not looking to settle down.  As a result, some of these non-relationships have become pretty long-term.  For example, I went out on a date with a guy in 2002.  We did not have sex, but we had a great time and were supposed to get together again, but life got in the way and he ended up taking another job and moving away before we had a chance to get together again.  I have never again been in the same city as him, but I bet I haven’t gone more than two months without hearing from him in the eight years since that first date.  We constantly call, email or text to flirt and update one another on what’s going on in our lives.  Sometimes you just need a hottie to tell you how awesome you are, and I think we have both served that purpose for one another for quite a long time. 

I have a similar connection with the guy who took me on a dream vacation, and the young man I wrote about back in February.  The latter is off finishing school, but I still hear from him every few weeks.  In fact, after a particularly stressful work week, I came home to a message from him in my Inbox.  It had been about six weeks since we’d talked or emailed, but he wrote me to tell me about a convention he attended that was very similar to the one that brought him to DC when we met.  His email ends with the sentence: “It’s fun, but it’s definitely made me think of, and consequently miss you.”

It was very sweet, and happened to be exactly what I needed to hear after a crappy work week.  Also, it’s enough.  I think that there is a happiness that comes with carrying people in your heart, but I have a pretty big heart and there’s room for a whole lot of people.  It is absolutely possible to feel happy and fulfilled without following the path that society has imposed upon us.  It’s also possible to share your life with people, without being in a committed relationship with them.  I expect that people will judge me for having a sexual relationship with more than one person, but I have to remind you, this is completely on the level.  No one is cheating, no one is getting hurt.  There is a large, beautiful gray area that falls in between complete monogamy - and tawdry, meaningless one night stands.  Two consenting adults can respectfully enjoy each other’s company while sharing brief encounters.  Sometimes it happens during a blizzard, sometimes on a beach resort.  But they are still magical and leave fond memories that last forever.  Doesn’t everyone have an ex or ”the one that got away,” someone who they still have feelings for?  Someone from their past who will always have a special place in their heart?  Believe it or not, there is a way to keep that spark and rekindle it every now and again.  But it will only make you happy if you allow yourself to be happy.

Is this some kind of a joke?

I read that a new study was released about the stigma faced by single women.  I thought it was tongue-in-cheek when the writer said the article was called, “I’m a Loser, I’m Not Married, Let’s Just All Look at Me” but I was surprised to discover, that appears to be the title of a University of Missouri study.  The official title is, “I’m a loser, I’m not married, let’s just all look at me:” Never married women’s perceptions of their social environment.  By E. Sharp and L. Ganong.   

[In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I must tell you - I am already pissed off at Mizzou for beating Clemson in the men's basketball tournament and losing me points in BOTH of my NCAA brackets.  (Likewise, if the University of Northern Iowa or Ohio University release similar studies, I will be repeating this disclosure.)]

I don’t know anything about The Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Mizzou, but a quick perusal of their website shows a clear leaning toward the “family studies” part of their title.  Their Centers and Outreach section gives links to their Center for Family Policy and Research, Child Development Lab, Focus on Kids program, and Pigskin Preschool – where families can drop their kids off before home football games.  Do you see a common theme here?  I’m seeing an awful lot of focus on the family unit here.  There also seems to be quite a lot of research about divorce, separation, and parenting.  I do not understand why this department has released this provocatively titled study about single women.  Their body of work seems to give the study less credibility than the title does.

While Mizzou’s HDFS Department and men’s basketball team can both pretty much kiss my ass right now, it does appear that one author credited on this study has some credibility.  Elizabeth Sharp is an Associate Professor at Texas Tech [Texas Tech men's basketball team played in the NIT tournament this year and has therefore fostered no ill-will with me as far as NCAA brackets are involved.]  Professor Sharp’s body of work reflects more research with gender and singles than does her UM coauthor’s 43-page curriculum vitae. 

The only information I have about the study is what is in press releases, and so I will reserve judgment until I have read it in its entirety.  However, I will leave you with my initial reaction:  The press release begins by saying that approximately 40 percent of adults in the U.S. were single in 2009, and only 32 women were interviewed for the study.  That seems like an extremely small selection for a study in which the name implies that all single women all feel like losers.  I would also argue that if the women interviewed were in Missouri or Texas, they would naturally have very different perceptions than women who live on either coast or in larger cities.  But again, I don’t know the details of the study, I just know what the press release says and it does not reflect the feelings of this particular never-married female; with the exception of the following statement [emphasis mine]:

The visibility and invisibility factors were impacted by age, according to Ganong. The mid-20’s through mid-30’s is a time of intense contemplation and concern for single women regarding their future family trajectories. Women older than 35 tend to be content with being single and don’t express as much dissatisfaction as do younger women. Women ages 25-35 felt the most stigma, which may be attributed to the fact that being single is more acceptable before age 25.

I think there is some truth to this, and also some hope.  There is undeniably pressure on single women to get married, and I can only hope that they do not allow themselves to feel like losers if they don’t follow the path society imposes upon them. In my experience, women become more comfortable in their own skin and realize their happiness, usually when they are in thier thirties.  It is life experience, not marriage, that inspires this acceptance.  But if women are married before they reach that age, I suppose they would never know that.

Mary needs to get the hell out of Bedford Falls

Over the weekend I happened to catch the ending to Frank Capra’s classic, It’s a Wonderful Life.  I haven’t watched this since I was a kid, and I can’t help but wonder if I would find it as charming today as I did back then.  Judging by the few moments I recently caught while flipping channels, my adult eyes see an entirely different message.  When Clarence shows George Bailey what the world would be like had he never lived, the pinnacle of horror and regret comes when he discovers the would-be fate of his dear wife, had he never been born to save her from such a horrible destiny as this. 

Really, Clarence?  This is the moment when you need to get roughed up to say, “You’re not gonna like it, George!”  This is the horrible news that is going to rip George’s heart out?  Nevermind that with no George Bailey in the world, his brother Harry would drown in childhood.  Furthermore, who gives a damn how many servicemen died without Harry Bailey the war hero to save them?!  Those are apparently small consequences.  It is saving Mary from the horrible fate of turning into an old maid librarian makes George Bailey want to be alive again.  Oh, the horrors! 

I realize this movie is from 1946, and a sign of its time.  I am not suggesting the story would be improved if hip librarian Mary Hatch lived in New York City and went shopping for Jimmy Choo shoes with three of her old maid friends.  There has been second and third waves of feminism since Frank Capra’s classic film.  I get that.  But that knowledge makes it no easier to watch the unspoken yet blatant message, “It’s better to be dead than to be a spinster librarian.”

New rule: everyone must justify their marital status

I am sitting across from my friend Ella having Sunday brunch.  Between bites of crab cake, she tells me all about her new romance.  They met a Halloween party, she got drunk and brought him home, thought it would be a one-night stand [licks her fork, sets it down with a triumphant clank] but it turns out they really like each other! 

She goes on to tell me that he’s 32 and gives me the highlights of what he does for a living: he’s an expert in his field, he was published right out of college, teaches a class one semester out of the year.  Then she says, “He’s always been really focused and that’s why he’s never been married.  He’s just been so immersed in his work that he hasn’t really thought about settling down or having kids…” 

She continues but by this point I’m not really listening because I’m stuck on that sentence, “…that’s why he’s never been married.”  I hate it that anyone age 30 or over feels the need to justify not being married.  It becomes a natural reflex after a while.  Even when no one asks, some singles will just offer up the information, as if they will avoid harsh judgment by giving a valid explanation for being single.  You know what I want to know?  I want to know why people are married.  Especially those couples where one of them is incredibly attractive and the other is plain, or maybe just plain ugly. 

The world would be a wonderful place if only it were socially acceptable to ask, “Why are you married to this person?”  I mean, sure, the obvious answer that everyone would give would be “love” but that is a total cop-out.  That’s like saying “I just haven’t found the right person yet” when someone asks you why you’re single.  I want to have conversations with married people where they feel the need to justify why they married their significant other.  Whether it be, “The sex was great” or “He got me pregnant” or “I was afraid of spending the rest of my life alone.”  I just want to be able to have that conversation in polite society.  It’s only fair, isn’t it?

The surge is working!

Per today’s Washington Post:  Single living is wave of the present: Census data show surge across area; Alexandria and District stand out

That’s right, we singles are surging across the DC Metro area!  William Frey of the Brookings Institution is quoted as labeling DC as “…the nation’s mecca for singles.”  Hmm… I don’t know if we’ve quite reached ”mecca”, but this is a great place to be single and I was thrilled to see this on the front page of my Express newspaper today.  The reason that being single is so much harder in certain areas is because the biggest challenge is being surrounded by couples.  You can be very content as a single living alone, but if you feel like a third wheel in all of your social situations, the pressure to settle down increases.  Being around other singles takes the pressure off and gives you much better perspective on what you’re really looking for in a mate.  (As opposed to, first looking for someone to change your social gathering from an odd number of people to an even number.)  Too many people are looking to be part of a couple, without looking to meet friends and make new acquaintances.  I love being in a community full of single people.  Thanks to the Washington Post and the Brookings demographer for noticing! 

If you read the Post article, you may or may not have clicked their link to the Census Bureau statistics.  I thought this was particularly interesting because just yesterday I mentioned a conversation I had where someone told me that the ratio of single women to single men is 9 to 1.  My response was, “I’m guessing he did not get these numbers from the Census Bureau.”  Thank you again, Washington Post for doing my homework for me. 

I looked over the Census Bureau information for the area and did not find the ratio to be 9 to 1.  Math is not my strong subject, but it seems to me that with 621,918 “never married” women and 595,752 “never married” men, that would be about 1.04 females to every male.  Not quite 9 to 1.

If you analyze further (which you probably wouldn’t, but I did it for you) and combine the statuses of “never married” with the separated, widowed and divorced numbers, you end up with 966,195 women and 802,052 men.  That’s a ratio of 1.2 females to every male.  Higher, but still not quite 9 to 1. 

Comparing these statistics can be dubious since the “9 to 1″ estimate was given to me by someone who was talking about dating and sipping a Long Island iced tea.  His claim was that men can have their choice because they are so outnumbered.  Since the Census statistics count the marital status of people age 15 and older, clearly these people are not all dating.  If you are dating a 15-year-old, you belong in another statistic altogether.  Also something to factor in: the number of widowed females to males is over 4 to 1.  Widows come in all ages; and sadly, this is probably a younger demographic than it used to be due to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, but generally speaking - this is probably due to older women naturally outliving their husbands. Again, probably not on the dating scene. 

[If I haven't lost you yet with all of these numbers, this next paragraph should do the trick.]

The part of the census stats that I can’t wrap my head around is in the category: “Households by type.”  They list the number for “householder living alone” as 491,706.  “Male householder, no wife present, family” is 68,394.  The number for female householder with no husband and family given as 201,632.  That is nearly 3 females living alone for every male, but that still leaves over 220,000 householders living alone with no gender?  Even with the margin of error, I’m still not sure how this works out.  If anyone working for the census bureau, or perhaps an experienced demographer could fill in that gap, I would greatly appreciate it.  Since the sum of the males living alone and females living alone do not account for the total of Householders living alone, all I can do is offer one more headline to the next Washington Post story before my lunch break is over and I end this extended rant:  Census Bureau statistics indicate over half of single households are sexless. 

Whatever turns you on

One of the best things I learned in math class came from an instructor in a basic requirement class, for those of us not majoring in math or science.  As soon as a student made a disparaging comment about math, she told us, “People tell me all the time about how much they hate math.  One of these days I’m going to go into an English class and say, ‘Ugggghhhh.  I hate reading!  I’m just so bad at reading words!’” and she went on to badmouth reading in a very exaggerated tone.  She was saying it to get a laugh, and it was very effective.  But she has picked up on something I had never noticed.  It is socially acceptable to say you hate math or you’re bad at math.  But if you say you’re bad at reading, it’s kind of like admitting you’re dumb.  

Her lesson came to mind tonight after I faced an extended line of questioning about why I am still single.  I was in a taxi cab with three other ladies and our Nigerian cab driver asked if I was married, if I had a boyfriend.  [pause] and then he struggled with the language a bit and said, “Are you… ehh… how do you say it?  Straight?  Is that the right word?” 

The girls in the back were enjoying this conversation immensely and it may have just been the accent, but he sounded inquisitive and genuinely interested in my answer.  I understand that it puzzles some people why an attractive, seemingly-normal female would be happy to report that she prefers to be single.  I also understand why people don’t enjoy math.  What I don’t quite comprehend is why societal norms are not called into question more often.  Harsh criticism often goes unnoticed when you stand with the majority.

Hate is a strong word

I hate this billboard.

Don’t get me wrong, it makes the point very clear as to what they are selling. And it’s even kind of funny, if you don’t mind blatant stereotyping to sell products. 

Do you remember the old ads targeting housewives in the 1950s?  The distressed woman with her hand on her head, “My husband won’t love me if the dishes have spots!”  This is the modern-day equivalent.  The target demographic is different, but the idea is the same.  Instead of targeting housewives and reminding them of their womanly duties, this ad is directed toward single people.  Not just the single men who buy engagement rings, but the single women who insist upon having them.  It seems innocuous enough, but the implications toward both sexes are pretty awful.  Here she is, tired of waiting around patiently while her boyfriend refuses to grow up and do the right thing. 

Maybe it seems harmless to most consumers.  I’d be curious to watch a focus group to see how married people and single people react to the ad.  Hell, maybe other singles can relate.  Personally, I think it’s a not-so-subtle example of the pressure our society puts on single people to settle down.  To be fair, it is an ad for a jeweler and it’s in their best interest to perpetuate the myth of marital necessity.  It is harder to sell engagement rings when people are happily single.

Brief interviews with offensive actresses

I watched (well, listened to) television news as I readied myself for work this morning.  As I slipped on my black pumps,  Julianne Nicholson was interviewed about her new movie, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.  

I am familiar with the book, but confess that I have never read it.  It was not until this morning that I realized the book was turned into a film.  For that matter, I had never before heard of Julianne Nicholson either, but as I listened to her speak about the film, I got pretty disgusted with her.  When asked about the point of the film, she said, “Men are not as decent as they may let you believe.”  while she explained,  ”I’m married to a wonderful man so I know that they exist.  But if I was single, I don’t know if this would be a very hopeful movie.” 

 Oh dear, what are we single girls to do?  I refrained from hurling myself out the window after learning that this actress may have married up the final remaining ”wonderful man.”

Her statements were offensive.  The actress explained that the title of the movie is literal, the plot centers on her character, who is interviewing men who behave hideously.  Perhaps Ms. Nicholson feels a responsibility to warn single women like myself,  that we may leave the theater with all hopes of ever finding a wonderful man dashed.  Maybe she envisions single women paying $10 for a movie ticket and a breakthrough - as they accept that they may have to settle for a loser like the ones depicted in the film.  Oh, so hopeless indeed!

Let me tell you something, sisters; and if you don’t know this already, you should: You do not, under any circumstances, have to settle for the guy who is missing an arm and uses sympathy to get women into bed.  Please do not listen to the inferences like the one I heard before I walked out the door this morning.  Yes, there are hideous men like the ones in this film.  Believe me, I have probably dated them all at one point or another.  Some hideous men are single, they may ask you out on a date.  Some of them are already married, they may ask you out too.  That does not mean that these losers are the only available future for single women.

Let me take issue with something else she said, just to prove my point.  Ms. Nicholson began her interview by saying, “Men are not as decent as they may let you believe.”  True statement.  But let’s be fair.  Women are not as tall as they let men believe.  Those shoes I was putting on before work add at least an inch to my 5’4″ frame!  Our breasts are not as big as we let men believe, our hips are not as small, our lips are not as red, and most of us (men and women) have probably had more sexual partners than we let each other believe. 

There are a lot of smoke and mirrors when it comes to courtship.  Men and women are both guilty of this.  While lying about a sexually transmitted disease does not match up to throwing on control-top pantyhose to cover your dimpled thighs, it would behoove all of us to take a good look at ourselves before we start man-bashing and losing all hope of one day finding companionship. 

Whatever happened to the old adage, “Better to be alone than in bad company”?  I encourage you to reject the idea that there are no wonderful men left, but I beg of you – do  not rule out the possibility that you may actually find happiness within yourself.  So the actress would not find the film “hopeful” if she was single.  What she doesn’t tell you is that if you pin your hopes on a man, you are setting yourself up for disappointment anyway.  Be happy with yourself, and if another person comes along that enriches your life, do what you can to keep that person in your life.  But don’t ever let people talk down to you because they are in a relationship and think everyone else should be too.  Not only is it offensive, but it’s not true.  Happiness comes from within, not from another person.