First of all, yes, I am still single!  I assure you that my nearly 5 month hiatus has nothing to do with any romantic relationship.  I have practically taken a hiatus from dating as well.  It’s a common story with singles (and can happen to anyone, of course) that there are times when our professional life takes over and everything else takes the back seat.  That is the reason for my recent absence.  I was unhappy with my career and decided what the hell?  I’m single.  I can take a financial risk without hurting anyone else.  Full steam ahead, I immersed myself in my career path and took on extra responsibilities elsewhere to make ends meet.  It took longer than I would have liked, but I have made many major life changes and it was 100% worth it.  There is nothing better than being victorious after a good, long,  tenacious quest for success.  Admittedly, that long, tenacious quest seems like it will never end when you’re in the middle of it.

The last few months of my life have been absent of the shenanigans that I love to write about on this blog.  I haven’t spent any time dating or meeting men.  Most of my energies have been focused on work and my rare moments of free time have been spent winding down with friends and loved ones.  I hope to be updating this blog more in the future.  I’m at a point professionally where I am extremely busy, but without the focus and determination that was necessary over the last few months. 

Thanks for reading, I will do my best to find some shenanigans real soon for you.

Drew Barrymore, you complete me.

I haven’t written to anyone all semester, so I’m a little out of practice.  It’s about 4:30 in the morning and I figured I probably shouldn’t call, so I decided to write.  (In case your wondering I am completely SOBER.)  I hope you got my message today because I seriously do want to talk to you.  I don’t know exactly how to put this, but I’ll try my best.  (I’m usually a lot easier talking to someone than writing to someone.)  I just want to let you know how I feel about you.  I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about you.  Maybe it’s your sweet smile or maybe it’s your sense of humor.  I wish I knew.  I wish that you were here right now so I could tell you this face to face.  There is just something special about you that I’m attracted to.  If your laughing right now please stop.  (I know this sounds stupid.)  I know that we agreed to slow down and just be friends for now but lately I’m beginning to think you don’t even want that.  It seems like every day your brushing me off.  I know your busy with lots of things and I understand that, it’s just I feel like you don’t give a shit whether or not you see me at all.  I just want you to be honest with me.  If you don’t want to be around me, do us both a favor and just let me know.  I f you do care about me, just give me a chance I promise I won’t let you down.  I realize that you have been in bad relationships in the past, but you’ll never know what it would be like with me until you give it a try.  I don’t want to rush you in to anything, I just want you to keep an open mind.  I want to know if you care or not.  I want to put everything behind us and start over again.  I realize that we got off to a bad start, and I take some of the blame for that.  You told me once that you wanted to get to know me, it’s a little difficult when you don’t want to ever talk to me or go out.  I really care about you and I don’t want to just walk away mad.  You mean way too much to me for me to just drop everything and stop talking to you.  I realize that you are very independent, but everyone needs someone to talk to.  Just give me a chance.  Please call me.

Sincerely, Eric

*Please try to free your calendar for next Friday from 3:00 on.  I made plans and I really want you to join me. 

I found this on Sunday and it’s been on my mind for the last two days and I just can’t figure it out…  Who’s Eric? 

Seriously, I know I am an asshole, but who the hell is Eric?  I don’t remember dating an Eric.  It was fifteen years ago and I was 20, maybe 21 years old.  It was a long time ago.  I wonder whatever happened to Eric.  I wonder a lot of things about Eric… like for example, what his last name is. 

I make light of this, but I do feel something when I read this letter.  It’s so full of the raw emotion of a 20-year old.  These are the words of someone who knows he should quit thinking about someone, but he can’t help himself, he’s going to go for it anyway and give it a shot.  Who among us can’t relate to that?  It’s happened to us all.  Even when we know better, we just convince ourselves that we haven’t found the right approach, or the right words to say… there’s something that keeps us going against our better judgement.  Only to be shot down by someone who can’t even remember our name fifteen years later. 

Along with Eric’s letter, there were several letters from Andrew.  I met Andrew when he was in the Army, home on leave.  Over several years time, we spent no more than five days together and lived hundreds of miles away from one another the whole time.  I thought about him all the time and I had a great time with him, but it was all pretty innocent.  We “slept together” one time, but I was the only one who slept.  He was home for Christmas and we were on the couch in my apartment watching a movie.  I fell asleep on his lap.  He wasn’t tired but he said I looked so comfortable he didn’t want to wake me up.  But he was bored.  He was trapped on my couch with nothing but the remote control, some gift wrap, and a scotch tape dispenser within his reach.  So, like any normal person, he took the tape and covered me in it while I slept.  He just sat there pulling of small pieces of tape and sticking them on my clothes, my skin, a few in my hair.  I woke up confused, met with his guilty laughter ”What did you DO?!?  Why are you covered in little pieces of tape?!?” I still remember his smile as he giggled about his mischief.  He was adorable.  Completely innocent, really ridiculous, fun, charming.  That was Andrew.  I adored him. 

At some point, Andrew suddenly stopped responding to my letters.  I know that he’s married now and has kids.  I can only conclude that he met someone nearer to where he was stationed and cut me out of his life very unceremoniously.  Or, perhaps he found out about Eric – whoever that is – and decided to move on with someone else.  Even after he cut me out, we ran into each other unexpectedly a couple of times and still had fun and made each other laugh like the old days.  We were both seeing someone else at that point, but we got along so well that I was sure it was “meant to be.”  For the longest time, I was sure that Andrew and I would somehow end up back together again.  He will always have a special place in my heart, but I’ve accepted that it is not destiny after all, just great chemistry and a couple of wild coincidences. 

Maybe I am Andrew’s Eric.  Perhaps someday he’ll find a fifteen year old letter from me and rack his brain trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Nonetheless, he’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

If you have stuck with the story this long, I thank you for taking the time to read through a lot of random, personal information just to make one very important point:  No matter how you feel about someone, or how you see yourself with them, or how much you’re willing to put yourself out there to get their attention – the way you feel today is not the way you will always feel.  It probably won’t even take you fifteen years, but over time, you’ll eventually look back at things very differently than you do when you’re in the heat of the moment. 

Love makes people impulsive, makes us throw caution to the wind, it makes us feel alive.  It’s a wonderful thing.  But sometimes it breaks us.  For everyone who has ever been broken… who has had the guts to write a letter like Eric’s, only to get shot down and ultimately forgotten about; always remember:  Things look differently in the heat of the moment.  In the long run, things change, feelings change, and memories fade.  It’s okay to be hung up on someone for a while and you don’t have to forget about them, but the key to being happy when you’re single is to stop indulging in those impulses that keep you coming back to the wrong person.  And sometimes you have to accept that destiny is not what you thought it was going to be.

 He says hello and shakes his cup of change at me as I walk past him.  I do not put anything in the cup, I just smile and return his hello and do not pause as I walk by.  As I pass him, I hear him say, “Whoa, you are gorgeous!”  I have passed him by this point, so he starts shouting behind me, “HEY!  HEY!!!!  ARE YOU SPOKEN FOR!?!”  I’m half a block away and walking briskly and pretending I didn’t hear him.  I still hear him, he’s still yelling, “JUST SHAKE YOUR HEAD YES OR NO IF YOU’RE SPOKEN FOR.”  I’m so far away by this point and it’s weird now b/c I know he’s still watching me.  I nod my head for yes, awkwardly looking around to see if anyone else is witnessing this.  I can still hear his response, “Awww, maaaaan.  Should’ve known.”
 

I can’t help but think there were a couple things he should’ve known.  The first of which being that asking a woman for change does not often lead to them going out with you.  I mean, if a girl doesn’t even give you a quarter, don’t you think that’s a big jump to ask for a date?  Okay, I’m sure that he was not truly banking on me being his destiny, but he was yelling so loudly and assertively that it was funny, and a little embarrassing that he called so much attention to us both.  I laughed in disbelief as I continued walking, but I couldn’t help entertaining this idea.  A panhandler just insistently demanded to know if I was spoken for.  What if I had said no?  Would he have summoned me back?  Chased me down?  Asked me out?  Eventually wore me down until I gave him either my phone number or a dollar?  Who knows!  I also started to wonder – if he took me out to dinner, would I have to pay for it?  Would his panhandling carry over into all aspects of his life?  Or is that just what he does to make money, and he otherwise lives a normal life and goes out on dates and such?  I don’t know.  It’s a mystery.  I will never know because I did not tell him I was available, I told him I was spoken for.  Not by another guy, but by my commitment to remain single and not date panhandlers.  I once dated a guy who lost his job shortly after we started seeing each other.  That was close enough for me.

God bless author Lisa Daily for directing desperate men toward cities where there is a significant surplus of women.  It may not be a coincidence that so many educated, intelligent women are single, but hey – those are some awesome cities that made the list.  I don’t know many guys who would turn down that endorsement for Memphis.  BBQ and 25,000 more women than men?  That should be their city slogan!

Even more than stereotypes and condescending and sympathetic looks, the thing that upsets me most of all is that women actually believe this shit. They get down on themselves because they don’t have a boyfriend or a husband, maybe they want to be in love and think it’s never going to happen for them. Desire for companionship becomes desperation and soon they really are feeling sorry for themselves.

It’s bullshit, ladies. Complete bullshit. I haven’t updated this blog for a while. Would you like to know where this single thirty-something has been? This spinster has been living it up on a Caribbean vacation with a hottie who lives hundreds of miles away. I don’t get to see him very often. Sometimes we get together in my city, sometimes we get together in his (less impressive) city, and a few months ago he surprised me with plane tickets to paradise and all expenses paid accommodations for us at a beach resort. It was… paradise.

Being single doesn’t mean being alone or turning into an “old maid.” It just means you’re not in a committed relationship with another person. Which means… you can do whatever you want. If you want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you can do that; but it is ill-advised. My advice is to enjoy life and take advantage of all that life has to offer. Of course, life doesn’t always offer all-expenses-paid vacations, but it is possible to have love and companionship in your life without settling down. For some of us, it’s preferable.

I wish more women would stop dwelling on this expectation that “happily ever after” means having a man sweep you off your feet and settling down with your one true love. Start to think outside of the box. In my life, I don’t have one “soulmate,” I have an entire community of soulmates. The love of my friends and my family, someone to call when I need to talk, someone to go out to dinner and a movie with, someone to curl up on the couch with and watch movies, and someone I can count on no matter what.  These are all things people get from their significant other, and I have all of these things even though I’m single.  They just don’t all happen to be the same person. I realize that most women my age are married, but I can’t imagine that they are happier in life than I am. I feel blessed to have the wonderful life that I have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

In the May issue of Experience Life magazine, an adaptation from the book Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by psychologist and professor Todd Kashdan reads, “Happiness is a good thing. Yet, both in my professional research and in my personal experience, I’ve observed that when we focus solely on what we think will make us happy, we can lose track of what actually does.”  I couldn’t agree more, and I see this all the time when it comes to relationships.  Single people need to stop trying to find a relationship that makes them happy, and just be happy.  Being miserable is a choice.  And a bad one.

I will admit, physical intimacy becomes tricky when you are single.  Everyone needs physical intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex.  There is something about the physical act of love that can not be satisfied with battery-operated appliances.  But when you stop looking for love, and accept a relationship with a lover for what it really is, it is possible to “make love” without being “in love.”  The problem is, too many people try to validate their physical relationship by making it into something that it’s not. 

The best thing I ever did for myself was to stop looking for love and make a conscious decision to be happy with the life I have and all of the people in it.  I talk a lot about dating on this blog , and I do love to meet people and go out on dates.  But I’m always up front with people that I am not looking to settle down.  As a result, some of these non-relationships have become pretty long-term.  For example, I went out on a date with a guy in 2002.  We did not have sex, but we had a great time and were supposed to get together again, but life got in the way and he ended up taking another job and moving away before we had a chance to get together again.  I have never again been in the same city as him, but I bet I haven’t gone more than two months without hearing from him in the eight years since that first date.  We constantly call, email or text to flirt and update one another on what’s going on in our lives.  Sometimes you just need a hottie to tell you how awesome you are, and I think we have both served that purpose for one another for quite a long time. 

I have a similar connection with the guy who took me on a dream vacation, and the young man I wrote about back in February.  The latter is off finishing school, but I still hear from him every few weeks.  In fact, after a particularly stressful work week, I came home to a message from him in my Inbox.  It had been about six weeks since we’d talked or emailed, but he wrote me to tell me about a convention he attended that was very similar to the one that brought him to DC when we met.  His email ends with the sentence: “It’s fun, but it’s definitely made me think of, and consequently miss you.”

It was very sweet, and happened to be exactly what I needed to hear after a crappy work week.  Also, it’s enough.  I think that there is a happiness that comes with carrying people in your heart, but I have a pretty big heart and there’s room for a whole lot of people.  It is absolutely possible to feel happy and fulfilled without following the path that society has imposed upon us.  It’s also possible to share your life with people, without being in a committed relationship with them.  I expect that people will judge me for having a sexual relationship with more than one person, but I have to remind you, this is completely on the level.  No one is cheating, no one is getting hurt.  There is a large, beautiful gray area that falls in between complete monogamy - and tawdry, meaningless one night stands.  Two consenting adults can respectfully enjoy each other’s company while sharing brief encounters.  Sometimes it happens during a blizzard, sometimes on a beach resort.  But they are still magical and leave fond memories that last forever.  Doesn’t everyone have an ex or ”the one that got away,” someone who they still have feelings for?  Someone from their past who will always have a special place in their heart?  Believe it or not, there is a way to keep that spark and rekindle it every now and again.  But it will only make you happy if you allow yourself to be happy.

I can’t help it, I love this new Miller Lite ad campaign.  There has been a series of commercials with guys gushing about their Miller Lite and not being able to answer simple questions like, “If me and Buster were hanging over a cliff and you could only save one of us, which one would you save?”  All of the women in these commercials are ridiculously hot, and they are coupled up with these “normal” stereotypical ne’er-do-well guys who never say the right thing, and want nothing more than Miller Lite for wedding gifts.  They’re funny.  And maybe the reason they work is because both men and women can relate, and both think that the opposite sex is the one that is made to look silly.  Women think it’s ridiculous that a guy would think more of his beer than his hot girlfriend/fiancée/wife.  Guys can relate because they’ve all had to field those “why do you love me” questions. It’s a wonder that men and women communicate at all.

[In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I must tell you - I am already pissed off at Mizzou for beating Clemson in the men's basketball tournament and losing me points in BOTH of my NCAA brackets.  (Likewise, if the University of Northern Iowa or Ohio University release similar studies, I will be repeating this disclosure.)]

I don’t know anything about The Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Mizzou, but a quick perusal of their website shows a clear leaning toward the “family studies” part of their title.  Their Centers and Outreach section gives links to their Center for Family Policy and Research, Child Development Lab, Focus on Kids program, and Pigskin Preschool – where families can drop their kids off before home football games.  Do you see a common theme here?  I’m seeing an awful lot of focus on the family unit here.  There also seems to be quite a lot of research about divorce, separation, and parenting.  I do not understand why this department has released this provocatively titled study about single women.  Their body of work seems to give the study less credibility than the title does.

While Mizzou’s HDFS Department and men’s basketball team can both pretty much kiss my ass right now, it does appear that one author credited on this study has some credibility.  Elizabeth Sharp is an Associate Professor at Texas Tech [Texas Tech men's basketball team played in the NIT tournament this year and has therefore fostered no ill-will with me as far as NCAA brackets are involved.]  Professor Sharp’s body of work reflects more research with gender and singles than does her UM coauthor’s 43-page curriculum vitae. 

The only information I have about the study is what is in press releases, and so I will reserve judgment until I have read it in its entirety.  However, I will leave you with my initial reaction:  The press release begins by saying that approximately 40 percent of adults in the U.S. were single in 2009, and only 32 women were interviewed for the study.  That seems like an extremely small selection for a study in which the name implies that all single women all feel like losers.  I would also argue that if the women interviewed were in Missouri or Texas, they would naturally have very different perceptions than women who live on either coast or in larger cities.  But again, I don’t know the details of the study, I just know what the press release says and it does not reflect the feelings of this particular never-married female; with the exception of the following statement [emphasis mine]:

The visibility and invisibility factors were impacted by age, according to Ganong. The mid-20’s through mid-30’s is a time of intense contemplation and concern for single women regarding their future family trajectories. Women older than 35 tend to be content with being single and don’t express as much dissatisfaction as do younger women. Women ages 25-35 felt the most stigma, which may be attributed to the fact that being single is more acceptable before age 25.

I think there is some truth to this, and also some hope.  There is undeniably pressure on single women to get married, and I can only hope that they do not allow themselves to feel like losers if they don’t follow the path society imposes upon them. In my experience, women become more comfortable in their own skin and realize their happiness, usually when they are in thier thirties.  It is life experience, not marriage, that inspires this acceptance.  But if women are married before they reach that age, I suppose they would never know that.